Wednesday, 26 December 2012

Christmas Shopping Crisis

Jocasta has sent Horatio to get the Christmas food shopping from the classy supermarket one would expect. However not all goes to plan!


'Jocasta! Darling it's me! I can't get through the tunnel to the supermarket. There's been an accident. I could go the long way!'

'Horatio, don't do that it will take an age. Jonquil and Dido will be here in two hours, and they've got Uncle Rupert with them. He's 96 and not written his will yet. Worth a squillion, so we have to impress him! Where are you?'

'On the road through that dreadful industrial estate!'

'You are going to have to go into that big supermarket on the left.'

'You mean the one the poor people go to! And the working classes!'

'It does well enough for that couple three doors down. They seem to find everything they need.'

'Those bloody teachers! Always got to be down with the people!'

'Well it's that or nothing Horatio, and if Christmas doesn't happen I will be making sure there is one little chipolata on a plate!'

'OK darling, what ever you say, but keep in the phone. You are going to have to guide me through this one.'

'Go to the parent and child spaces. You have got Spartacus with you haven't you?'

'Oh yes he is in the back! Hang on though. There are some real ruffians there with buckets and sponges. What are they up to?'

'They want to clean your windscreen for a ridiculous amount of money with dirty water that has been hanging around all day. Just walk past them!'

'Doing that darling. Oh they have the most ghastly Liverpudlian accents! I don't suppose they've seen a 4x4 where they come from unless it says 'Police' on the roof!'

'Keep your voice down Horatio! Unless you want your wheels stolen or something dreadful left on the back seat.'

'I'm going in now. It looks like the fruit and vegetables are straight ahead. They have no kumquats! Can you believe no kumquats!'

'Well look for mandarins, or clementines! Something vaguely orange coloured!' 

'Like this woman in the shell suit in front of me! I think I can see most of the vegetables. What is that Spartacus? You need a pooh? Not now please! Oh too late, but at least it might mask the smell of the great unwashed!' 

'Head for the butchery aisle next. We need veal cutlets! And lamb shanks.'

'Excuse me my good man! Can you tell me where I might find the veal? It is meat. No it's young cow! Never mind! Lamb shanks? No. I am unfamiliar with 90s gangsta rappers myself. More of a Mozart man if you see how I'm hanging!' 

'Try the frozen section if you get desperate!' 

'I'm heading to the drinks now. Oh Spartacus don't squirm! You are quite pungent aren't you. Have you been at mummy's lentil rissoles again? Is it unoaked Chardonnay or Sauvignon Blanc that Dido prefers?'

'Either! And some Chablis for Jonquil.'

'What's this? Blue Nun, Black Tower? We used to squirrel that away in the tuck box and hide it from matron. Do they still make that? Do you have Chablis? No I wouldn't like an orange WKD you pleb!'

'Plebian Horatio! Plebian! It sounds like a compliment!'

'Sorry! I wouldn't like an orange WKD you plebian! Yes it might be a Doctor Who monster!'

'For heaven's sake Horatio! At least get some bread!'

'Is this square shaped stuff bread! I've never seen this before! Hot dog buns! Finger rolls! Darling I am at a loss here! Oh thank heavens there is that awful teacher couple! I will just have to act nice for a change! Speak to you from the car park!' 


'Hello Darling! Me again. John and Lesley were most helpful!'


'John and Lesley! The teachers from three doors down!'

'James and Liz! I know we don't mix in their circle but at least try to get their names right!' 

'That's why they gave me funny looks. Thought it was Spartacus's deposits! They kept giggling as we were going around. He told me he knew that proletarians were those choux pastry balls with cream and chocolate. We don't give them enough credit! They really do have some class, despite what they do for a living! I had to substitute a few things off the list!'

'Do tell Horatio! This had better be good!'

'There was no Bleu d'Auvergne, not even Camembert, but I've got these delightful soft cheeses in little triangles and something interesting in a tube!'


'No! But apparently pickled onion Monster Munch is just as good!'

'Coffee? I must have my macchiato?'

'Own brand instant is all the rage it seems!'

'Pecan and Maple liqueur? Surely a Bailey's? At least I can disguise that with some cocoa and a dash of the Irish!'

'Apparently they do some great ones inside miniature chocolates!'


'Breaded scampi!'


'Dry roasted peanuts!'

'Scallops nestled in Prosecco-infused couscous?' 

'Fingres de poisson en pain blanc avec coulis des tomates is something we must try!'

'Fishfinger sandwich in white bread with tomato ketchup is a dirty meal for dirty people! Now Horatio! I am going to read you five items from the list! You are going to tell me what you have instead! I may not be happy!'

'Go ahead!'

'Prosciutto, bruschetta, tapenade, prosecco, smoked eel!'


'I don't like the sound of that!'

'Ham in a tin! With a magic key! Mighty White! Cheese and Ham Toast Toppers! Babycham! Tin of pilchards! Happy!' 

'Horatio! Put it this way! Guest room for you until new year!'

Sunday, 23 December 2012

When the Round Round Robin Comes Bob-Bob-Bobbing Along!

You know those awful self-indulgent and ego driven round robin letters that you get around this time of year? Don't you just hate them?

If these people wanted their everyday tedium to be read they could take to Twitter.

@anyonewhoisbotheredto read Taking the dog to be waxed today. Using the fur in a pin cushion. LOL!

Here is my take on the phenomenon!


Dear All!

Has it really been an entire circuit of the Sun since we last heard from each other! 'Tempus fugit' as the Ancient Romans would have said!

What a year it has been! Our eldest, Persephone, has sat her GCSEs and has come out with 15 A* grades! Lithuanian, Macrame, Astrology and Herbalism will stand her in excellent stead for the future. All of Horatio's mother's doubts about taking the wrong baby home from the hospital are truly dispelled now. I think we can plan our retirement based on those grades, though she needs to get through college first.

She brought her first proper boyfriend home too. 'This is Wombat!' she announced proudly. It is difficult to inform you of his hopes, as most communication appears to be grunted or garbled through slurps of Super Lager. Wombat does seem a little pretentious as a name, don't you think?

The twins, Araminta and Taramasalata, continue to thrive. 'Lively and unpredictable' it said in their school reports. Really those could have been their middle names (actually they're Tamarind and Tarquin) Being called into the Head's office to discuss them was the highlight of the academic year. Creative use of felt pens and paints on the plaster in the conveniences suggest we may have the successors to Banksie on our hands! So proud!

Spartacus is finally potty trained and almost off the breast, just in time for the Reception Class Nativity performance.  A triumphant performance ensued, and he was certainly the best dressed shepherd, in Jocasta's kimono pyjamas and a Pashmina headdress. His control over the giraffe was awesome!

Imagine Horatio's surprise when Jocasta expressed a desire for a Brazilian downstairs! Imagine Jocasta's reaction at Horatio's misunderstanding! For the last two months the Dos Santos twins have been living in the old granny-flat. Esmerelda doubles as a Nanny to Spartacus and works literally for peanuts. Stefano is on the Chelsea F.C.  Youth Team, and all his expenses are fully paid by the club. In fact burly and rough-hewn Russian gentlemen deliver manila envelopes of cash at strange hours of the night!

The twins had their wish for for a pair of Puggles granted in the Spring. Regular walks on the Heath are interrupted only by cries of 'Vajazzle! Prince Albert!'. Old Mr Pietowski had a shock though when he asked Jocasta to see her lovely Vajazzle. Still his injuries soon healed and the court action will expire with his repatriation!

We had an enjoyable four weeks in the Tuscan Villa over the Summer. The roof finally went on at the end of August, and the running water will be connected next year. Seven years hard work are well worth it, and the children now have a truly rustic experience to add to their life stories. The external latrine provided genuine close family time and the Roman experience of a sponge soaked in vinegar will 'stick' in the memory, as well as 'stick' (literally) in one or two other places! Oh how we laughed!

Work still goes well. Jocasta's business has expanded in to the full range of lentil based products, and Horatio has survived all the financial crises that have come the bank's way. Being  in charge means he can literally 'Pass the Buck!'.

Well that's us for the year! Don't forget you can get in touch with us at at any time.

Toodlepip! Ciao!

Jocasta, Horatio, Persephone (& Wombat), Araminta, Taramasalata & Spartacus

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Twelve For '12, Thirteen for '13

A full year on Twitter; a good few months of blogging. This has been an eventful year for me in the cyber community and in real life. A few of my reflections and things I have learned and observed.

Twelve for '12

1. There are some quite wonderful, supportive, warm, thoughtful, sensitive, emotional, passionate talented and intelligent people from Leeds.

2. There are some equally wonderful and intelligent people in Manchester, Birmingham, Blackpool, Bolton, Portsmouth, Southend, Surrey,  North and South London, in various parts of the East and West Midlands, the North-East and in Scotland who listen to what others have to say and respond sensitively. Apologies if I have missed your geographical area!

3. This year it is great to wave our own flag! We can reclaim it from the Far Right. Whatever you think of the Royals, Queenie has been on top form! British sporting success too; Wiggo, Murray, Mo, Jess, the cricketers in India, and even our football team not being criticised for going out in the quarter finals of the Euros! Plus, we put on a great Olympics and Paralympics. Despite being awoken by shooting at the Royal Barracks and having to apply for permission to park outside my own house, what a great summer it was. Not only for TeamGB and ParalympicGB success, but for the way we welcomed the world. Sad to see stands and stadia gone, but we knew that in the first place. 

4. There has been a measure of justice at last for Stephen Lawrence and the Hillsborough families.

5. Tweachers! You are supportive and receptive of other people's difficulties.

6. I can write!

7. My writing can make people laugh, cry, get angry, and generate response.

8. My writing can get up some noses!

9. My writing has brought me an audience I never expected. My work on 50 Shades and DVA has brought me followers in the feminist community. Your support has been hugely valuable and is much appreciated. 

10. Our performance of Les Miserables was fantastic. The girl who sang 'I Dreamed a Dream' moved the whole audience to tears. 

11. Kids love gardening. Five 50p packets of salad leaves had children staring at a raised bed for a term, desperate to try rocket and other offerings.

12. I love my wife as much if not more than I did when we first met!

Thirteen for '13

1. I would like to meet some of, if not all of, my wonderful Twitter friends. Not virtual but real friends I hope.

2. Michael Gove will see sense, reverse his policy and join a Buddhist retreat. 

3. I will find more good value wine. Two euros for a bottle of Chianti in Italy. which wasn't rough or gave a hangover, was quite amazing. 

4. I want to read at least 20 books. Got close in 2012, but the Autumn was a tricky period. 

5. My writing will be discovered, beyond my amazing Twitter and blog audience, and hopefully by the BBC, to help them over the Savile scandal.

6. The mighty 'People's Club' will win some much deserved silverware after a long enough wait. 

7. Anyone who has lied about or stitched up anybody else will pay the price for their actions. 

8. I will cook a new recipe at least twice a month and share it with my Twitter friends. 

9. Greater financial sense! Daughters to learn that first!

10. My tomatoes and courgettes will not suffer the ravages of last summer. In past years they kept me going from June to November. 

11. Common sense will prevail in education. Heads and LEAs will stand up to the policies of the current Government and Stephen Twigg will wake up to what is happening and not Tweet about tea parties and the weather in his constituency.

12. There will be positive action in Parliament to DVA. And the sales of 50 Shades and copycat books will plummet. 

13. We will all be in a happier place by this time next year!

Friday, 7 December 2012

Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time?

Christmas in school starts at some point in October if you are lucky, September if less so. The Nativity or other productions can take weeks of preparation, with lovingly made costumes and seemingly tenuous links to the reality of the Christmas tale. I heard this week of a child dressed as a giraffe in one stable scene. 

Our most memorable play was remembered for all the wrong reasons though. For reasons unknown half of the children had to stand in the space where the dining tables were normally kept, a space about 40 feet long and 9 feet high. In a 90 minute performance that space became a sauna; supervising staff wore vest tops and even shorts in there. In the year in question, the first performance passed without a hitch, but night two was a different proposition altogether.

The night began with instrumental recitals. One nine year old violinist finished her piece, put down her violin, turned white and vomited profusely and violently all over the stage, some ending up in the Head's trouser turn ups!

The rest of the children had a further twenty minute wait while everything was cleaned up, and unbelievably the girl wanted to continue with the play. Whatever she had contracted though was virulent, as the events of the next hour would attest to.

From my position I was aware of a hubbub at the side. Next a child was led out and a pot of 'magic body spillage crystals' was sent for. A second, then a third child soon followed. 

Meanwhile the performance on stage continued, interrupted by retches, splats and splashes! Several of us went over to help out and the virus I swear was literally leaping from child to child. Children were being carried out, mops and buckets sent for and the unmistakable aroma of Dettol began to waft around the hall, barely masking the scent of, shall we say, a ripe Brie mixed with a strong Parmesan. 

The time came for the class at the side to play their scene. One child came on, did his line, exited, threw up, and was replaced by another. Two of us were literally force feeding lines to children, checking their temperatures, then throwing them onto the stage. The eight children who should have played the whole scene never delivered all their lines. The class dance was not supposed to have children running down the steps or leaning off the stage into a bucket, but somehow they got to the end. 

The audience barely reacted though, only realising at the end when all the children were on stage for their photographs, that there was a huge gap where their offspring should have been.  The Head mentioned 'the unfortunate interruption' in his closing speech. One of the classes had a trip next day. Only six children turned up from that class, and barely a dozen from the other class. 

What a performance!

Tuesday, 4 December 2012

Miserable Les!

I love Les Miserables. Who doesn't with the truly inspirational and moving songs. It is a great book too, surprisingly fresh and funny for a text 150 years old. Great for a Year 6 Leavers' Assembly I thought, especially as I had some great singers.

This is the script for that performance. The title is taken from Terry Pratchett. The humour will make Victor Hugo turn in his grave. 

Bring Him Home, Castle on a Cloud and especially I Dreamed a Dream brought many a tear to the eye. 

Teachers, please feel free to use this in your schools. 


Miserable Les


A CHAIN GANG enters and sings



JARVIS                   Now bring me prisoner number 2468Ten.

LES                        It is Jarvis, who has pursued me relentlessly for years!

JARVIS                   Explain yourself, 2468Ten!

LES                                        I am Les and for the entirety of this play and to fit with the parody I will be miserable. I was imprisoned because I stole bread to feed my sister's baby, both of whom we will never mention in this play ever again!  So you see, I am the sympathetic character in this play and was imprisoned unjustly!

JARVIS                                   And you were imprisoned for five years for that!  And then fourteen more because you tried to run!

LES                        Oh how painful it is to live at this time of revolutions in France!

JARVIS                   Prisoner 2468Ten, you are free.

Jarvis hands a piece of paper to Les

LES                        What is this?

JARVIS                   It's a piece of paper.

LES                        Very good. And…

JARVIS                                  You show it to people who want to hire you, and this way they know you were a prisoner. Hah-hah-hah!

CHAIN GANG 1        And what about us?

JARVIS                   That’s your lot! It’s all dysentery and non-speaking parts for the rest of the play. (exits)


(Les tries to find a job)

LES                        Monsieur Ginola! Any chance of a job. I’ll do anything!

GINOLA                  Yes, I'll hire you.

LES                        Excellent.  I'll just give you this piece of paper here--

GINOLA                  You have a piece of paper?  I can't very well hire you!

LES                        Oh, ex-criminals in France have it tough!

GINOLA                   You know, you could consider just not giving me the paper.

LES                        I cannot do that; it would betray the same strong moral values that led me to illegally feed my sister and her dead child.  And I have to uphold my strong moral values.

MME GINOLA          So moral you forgot you weren’t going to mention that again!

LES                        Oh yes! Silly me!

MME GINOLA          Why don’t you try the Bishop? He’s a mug for any sob story!


LES                        So that’s my story. Just wandering by and all my Euros lost in a banking crisis.

BISHOP                  What do you think Mrs Cantona?

MRS CANTONA       (in dodgy French accent) When ze seagulls follow ze trawler (pause) it's because zey think sardines will be thrown into the sea

LES                        Pardon me, I don’t speak fluent gibberish!

BISHOP                  What the good lady means is that you are not to be trusted.

LES                        MOI! C’est incroyable!

MRS CANTONA       And that is one of the few French phrases you will hear this morning.

BISHOP                  I’ve thought this through! Despite your outwardly rough appearance and the overwhelming smell of dung. I have decided to offer you lodgings for the night.

MRS CANTONA       The man has lost his marbles!

BISHOP                  So here's the deal.  I'm going to let you stay here in the monastery.  Here's a delicious rack of lamb, and you get to sleep in the ROOM OF PRECIOUS SILVER AND OTHER EXTRAVAGANT
                               EXAMPLES OF THE CHURCH'S WEALTH.  Bon-nuit!

(Bishop and Mrs Cantona exit)

LES                                        Must uphold strong moral values, must uphold strong moral values, must—Hey! Who am I kidding?                                 (grabbing all of the silver)

(Bishop and Mrs Cantona enter)


(Policeman enters)

POLICEMAN            Vous sont arrêtés mon fils!

LES                        Eh ?

POLICEMAN            You’re nicked my son !

(Enter a bunch of policemen in bunny slippers and pyjamas)

POLICE CHIEF        Miserable Les, you're under arrest for stealing the church!

LES                        Stealing FROM the Church.

POLICE CHIEF        I ask the questions here.

LES                        I didn't ask a question.

POLICE CHIEF        (yawns) Jean-Claude!  Get me my elaborate police chief hat!

JEAN-CLAUDE        (in a ridiculous French accent) At once my little cheesy potato crisp! (enters with enormous hat)

POLICE CHIEF        Go ahead; tell his reverence your story about how he gave this to you as a "gift".

BISHOP                  But I did give this as a gift... I just forgot to give him these as well. (hands him silver candlesticks)

POLICE CHIEF        What?

BISHOP                  Yes, thank you for apprehending him so I could--

POLICE CHIEF        You said he stole.

BISHOP                  Well surely, can’t you see...?

POLICE CHIEF        Of course I can see, and stop calling me Shirley

POLICEMAN #2       My wife was woken up at three in the morning for this.

POLICEMAN #3       My poor consumptive French children can't get back to their slumber!

POLICEMAN #2       They may die before you return.

POLICEMAN #3       As long as nobody dies on stage from this hammy acting.

BISHOP                  AHEM!! But can’t you see, I was teaching him a lesson.


(Les escapes.)

LES                                       This meaningful incident has made me realize the error of my ways.  I'm going to start again, and to prove it, I'm going to RIP UP THE PAPER that for NO REASON I decided to show to every potential employer!

 PEASANT              Ripping up the paper is deeply symbolic somehow

(Les rips up paper over-dramatically)

ZIDANE                   I am Monsieur Zidane and I just happen to be conveniently walking by. Hey there, you may smell of dung but don't look like someone who has ever had any of that paper that former prisoners have.  Want to help me invent gold from base metal?

LES                        Why certainly Sir! Your smart apparel leads me to consider this opportune!

ZIDANE                   Help me count out these nuggets then.  (Counts out of bag) 2-4-6-8-10

LES                        You know my number!

ZIDANE                   You are a prisoner, surely that means I am the first in this play to die a dramatic yet meaningless death?

LES                        If you insist. And stop calling me Shirley.

ZIDANE                   That’s the second time that has been done….  UUURRRGGGHHH!!!

LES                        I think that this may be a little worse than the loaf of bread, but wait, there is a convenient and hitherto unmentioned abandoned mineshaft that no-one will look in for at least 100 years- I will dispose of the body there!  And now to the FUTURE!!!


WORKER 1:            But not really the future, just ahead ten years.

POOR PERSON 1    Life is tough!

POOR PERSON 2    Working in a factory in France in the nineteenth century is hard


FANTINE                 I'm ready for my yearly wage.

FOREMAN              Here's your wage, minus your "not letting me kiss you" penalty.

FANTINE                 No, please give me the money!  I need it to feed my daughter who I sent away because I hate children.

FOREMAN              What?  You have a kid?  You're fired!

FANTINE                 Oh well! No other jobs in the universe.  Better take up begging. Or teaching!

MLLE NASTY          I was once an OFSTED inspector! Now I am reduced to this!

FANTINE                 Oh, what a cautionary tale!
                               (sings I DREAMED A DREAM)

(Suddenly and slowly a cart runs over Henri)

HENRI                     Help!  I got run over by this very slow moving cart!

JARVIS                   That is bad acting and highly improbable!

LES:                       I have completely abandoned my former life of lying and thieving, and somehow become the mayor

MME HENRI            Help Mr Mayor, save my husband. From being slowly crushed.

LES                        I'll save you!

JARVIS                                  Wow, I don't know anybody who can convince nobody that they're struggling to lift a cardboard cart like that...EXCEPT FOR MISERABLE LES! But we're about to execute a Les that we just caught.

LES                        You can't execute LES, because LES... IS ME! (opens shirt, reveals that it says 2468Ten)
                               IT'S MY PRISONER TATTOO!

JARVIS                   Is that finger paint?!?

HENRI                     Quick Mr Mayor RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!

JARVIS                   I will get you one day Les!


FANTINE                 (dying) Oh Cosette, come here and let your crazy blind mother take care of you.

LES                        She's not here.  You're delusional because of the nasty disease!

FANTINE                 TB or not TB that is the question.

LES                        We never really specify.  It seems to be the same disease that kills all the important characters this far into the play

FANTINE                 Who are you?

LES                        I'm the man who looked on while my morally corrupt Foreman fired you, and then did nothing when you caught that disease that will cause you to die in about thirty seconds.

FANTINE                 Oh! (pause) Will you raise my child? (dies)

(Enter Jarvis)

JARVIS                   Les at last!

LES                                       Now I liked Fantine, but I don’t like you. But which is better. There’s only one way to find out.  FIGHT!

JARVIS                   Bring it on!

(They fight in a very hammy way without actually making contact)


MARCEL:                So we are here in another equally poor part of France.

THIERRY: Yes we are poor, but are we happy?

ETIENNE:                No we are not, but for the purposes of this play we will appear to be the jolly paupers with enough to buy us a few drinks at the inn.

MARCEL:                Wait a minute. Where’s Harry?

THIERRY:                Come on Harry!

ETIENNE: There he is! Hurry up Harry! Come on! We’re going down the pub!


(Cosette sings CASTLE ON A CLOUD)

MME. T                   Cosette, I'm so glad we've enslaved you to keep you down in the cellar.

ETIENNE: Hahahaha!  Don’t you just love Monsieur and Madame Tena-Lady?

THERNARDIER        Here you go sir.  I've created this dinner for you which, though you're not aware of it, includes ingredients like cat spit, and curious short curly hair!

HARRY:                  What a lovable landlord you are Monsieur Tena-Lady

THERNARDIER:       It’s TEN-ARE-DEE-AY, not Tena-Lady.

MME T:                   I wish I wasn't fat and that I had married a man who wasn’t so foul.

MARCEL:                I just want to take the Tena-Ladies home with me!

MME T:                   It’s TEN-ARE-DEE-AY, not Tena-Lady


LES:                       I have a million sous. Worth more than the euro.  Give me Cosette.

THERNARDIERS:    Sure stranger, do whatever you want.

LES:                       Cosette, now you're my daughter.

COSETTE:               Yay!  Scruffy stranger, I love you immediately!


JARVIS:                  And suddenly we have jumped ten years into the future and I am still chasing Les over that loaf of bread.

GAVROCHE:           `Ello govnah!  I'm a plucky li'il street urchin, so b'sure to fall `n luv wit m' now audience b'fuh I get blewn t'bits!  Blimey!

JARVIS:                  Are you going to keep up that ridiculous wotchagorblimey Mary Poppins accent?

GAVROCHE:           Sorry darling I was still in role from Oliver!

EPONINE:               (to audience )I love Marius!

MARIUS:                 (to audience) I know but I never respond and pretend I don't notice. (Cosette walks by) I love that girl that just walked by!

COSETTE:               (to audience) I love Marius, and am in torment about abandoning my elderly father for him!

LES:                       (to audience) I'm elderly now!   But I still can lift my own weight!

ENJOLRAS:            (to audience) I'm Enjolras!  Try pronouncing my name! 

VICTOR:                  Enjoy rollers?

HUGO:                    Engineer rails?

ENJOLRAS:            SEE!  VICTOR AND HUGO YOU CAN'T DO IT! Join with me to fight the enemy who we never see for a cause I don’t fully understand.

VICTOR:                  Hooray! Allez les bleus! La plume de ma tante et dans le jardin! Le souris est dans le chat!

HUGO:                    Better that than see a classic story ripped to shreds!

MARIUS:                 Wait, now I'm tormented about whether to fight in a rebellion that I haven't quite yet figured out, or to chase after that girl I just saw that suddenly I'm in love with!

COSETTE:               My name is Cosette!

MARIUS:                 Oh it's so embarrassing; I don't even know your name!

COSETTE:               Cosette!

MARIUS:                 Will I EVER learn her name?

COSETTE:               Buffoon.

ENJOLRAS:            Get serious, Marius, its wartime, and General Lamarque is dead.

MARIUS:                 Lamwhat?

ENJOLRAS:                            You haven't heard of him and we won't bother explaining, but put faith in the fact that it's vitally important to the rest of the plot and the reason I will die...Come sing a wartime song with us now.


ENJOLRAS:            Another to celebrate our inevitable demise. (singing) RED!

GANG:                    THE COLOR OF SOME BLOOD!

ENJOLRAS             BLACK!

GANG:                    THE COLOR OF NOT WHITE!

ENJOLRAS:            RED!

GANG:                    THE COLOR OF... SOME... TOMATOES?

ENJOLRAS:            (despondent) Black.

GANG:                    THE COLOR OF... UMM...

STUDENT #1:          Charcoal?

STUDENT #2:          Graphite from a pencil?

STUDENT #3:          Liquorice?

ENJOLRAS:            Never mind for tomorrow we will die awful, gruesome, and ultimately pointless deaths!

(Everyone comes out on stage and yells at the top of their lungs).

LES:                       TOMORROW IS IMPENDING!





JARVIS:                  What's up guys!  I'm so totally all about your decision to overthrow the government. Can I join your awesome club?

VICTOR:                  Well we DO need somebody to find out their attacks and the like.

ENJOLRAS:            (pointing at Jarvis) Yeah, we can trust him, he's old!

GAVROCHE:           You can't trust him... He's INSPECTOR JARVIS in disguise!

ENJOLRAS:            Who?

GAVROCHE:           The BAD GUY! Haven’t you been paying attention?

ENJOLRAS:            Oh.

HUGO:                    We can't trust old men...So who's going to execute him?

(Les enters.)

ENJOLRAS:            (pointing at Les) We can trust HIM!  He's OLD!

(Suddenly Eponine runs over the barricade and is shot!)

EPONINE:               Marius!  I died so I could give you a letter from Cosette!

MARIUS:                 You poor pathetic waif. (It suddenly starts to rain) Now I’ve got to protect you from the rain.

EPONINE                Forget the rain I’m DYING.

MARIUS                  Oh, poor Eponine— too late, she’s dead. And the rain has stopped. OK, so who wants a drink?
                               (flings Eponine's body to the ground)

ENJOLRAS:            Yes, as your leader-ish person, I command EVERYBODY to go out the night before a big battle.

GAVROCHE:           I can’t because I'm underage.

ENJOLRAS:            Are you old enough to loot dead bodies for ammo?

GAVROCHE:           Yes.

ENJOLRAS:            Climb!

(Gavroche climbs across the barricade but, just as Eponine was, is shot. Enter his many little friends)

JEAN:                     Gavroche!  Gav--(is shot)

PAUL:                     Oh no, how could--(is shot)

GEORGES:             My poor friends are dying!--(is shot)

RINGO:                   Voici le sang des martyrs--(is shot)

(Lots of little children appear onstage.  A torrid bloodbath ensues.  It is terrifying. Everybody keeps fighting.)

LES:                       I'm going to let you go, Jarvis.

JARVIS:                  I have a gun.  I've spent my entire life chasing you

LES:                       Just go away.

JARVIS:                  Here I am running away across the barricades.  Of course, I am not shot because I am not one of the children.

ENJOLRAS:            Comrades, avenge the deaths of les petits.

(Gun battle in which all except Les and Marius are shot)

LES:                                       (looking at an almost-dead Marius) This is the boy who is in love with my fake daughter. I ought to save him with my super old man strength! Down to the sewers, which are healthier in 1832 than up here, and smell better.


LES:                       I am really tired now so will put down the body of Marius, and fall asleep for plot reasons.

THERNARDIER:       (entering, taking a gold tooth from a dead body) It is not explained how I am here. I like to steal gold from corpses! And let’s have the ring from this young fellow.

RAT:                       Hey... Weren't you the funny character?

THERNARDIER:       I used to be.  It got used up after the loss of Cosette and wasting all those sous which were worth less than a pile of horse manure.

RAT:                       But you used to serve croton de cheval on your menu, that’s horse manure!

THERNARDIER:       People would come from miles around to taste my croton de cheval. Finest in the district.

RAT:                       You're still not funny anymore Monsieur Tena-Lady

THERNARDIER:       It’s TEN-ARE-DEE-AY, not Tena-Lady. Oops he’s not dead; better scarper before I’m caught.

LES:                                      Better get going again but I can’t sing with this fat lump on my back so I will sing with him on the ground


LES:                       The smell is getting worse now; it must be the fresh Parisian air outside. Let’s just squeeze through here and …

JARVIS:                  Les we meet again; another coincidence in another part of France over 30 years.

LES:                       Oh just go away! I’ve let you go once.

JARVIS:                  Les who I casually pursued around France for a few years has spared my life.  Definitely a
                               very good reason for jumping off this bridge. (jumps)
                               (He spins around a little bit while standing, then dives into the floor)

LES:                       I always thought he was in Seine.

JARVIS:                  Not at all predictable! BLUB! BLUB! BLUB!


MARIUS:                 This play is too short but let's take a moment to remember some people I never bothered to get to know in the first place.


MARIUS:                 Cosette and I are getting married with all of our closest friends here.

COSETTE:               Yes, somehow I have friends even though I just moved there and all of Marius's friends died.

(enter the Thernardiers in a pair of hideous outfits)

MME. T:                  We haven't changed at all as characters.

THERNARDIER:       I haven't even aged half of what Les has in the same time!

MME. T:                  Sh!  Distract the dead-alive friends while I steal this expensive silverware and hide it.

COSETTE:               It’s the Thernardiers!


MME T:                   (slaps husband- silv4e plate falls out) OOPS! Au revoir.


LES:                       I am dying, so the play must be ending right?  They can't very well go on forever.
                               (lights a pair of candles) I will just light these candles and wait to die. (pause- 10 seconds)
                               It may take a while.

FANTINE:                (a ghost) Hello Les.

LES:                       Hello, crazy blind lady!

FANTINE:                It was the flu.

EPONINE:               (also a ghost) Hello Les

LES:                       Wait, who are you?

EPONINE:               Eponine.

LES:                       Who?

EPONINE:               Right, we never met.  How awkward that God chose me to guide you to the next world.

FANTINE:                We're here to take you off to Heaven.

LES:                       About time too. My children who abandoned me better show up soon to hear my whole life story all over again.

COSETTE:               Father, I haven't seen you in years but we suddenly figured out where you were a few minutes before you die!

MARIUS:                 Your father wanted me to pretend I didn't know where he was.

COSETTE:               But why, Papa?

LES:                       Now, I have a story to tell you about a man who stole a loaf of bread, and in that time, learned a very difficult lesson and that is the whole story in one line. And now I am dying.

MARIUS:                 I forgot about the bread- but why?

LES:                       I’m going.

COSETTE:               Please father, don't die!

LES:                       Still here! No! Hang on! Urgh! (dies)...
                               (gets taken to heaven by Fantine and Eponine)

COSETTE:               Oh father! (cries)

MARIUS:                 That’s ok because suddenly, every dead character will show up to sing the final song. And you and I are the only ones in all of France who didn't die!  How depressing.