tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44337050172132617952023-11-15T16:26:14.666+00:00Why don't you publish that sir?Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.comBlogger27125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-66020871685842329482017-02-26T08:40:00.003+00:002017-02-26T08:40:41.394+00:00The Raven<div class="MsoNormal">
I am too old to enter 500 Words! But this is my model to get the children writing theirs.</div>
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The Raven stared intently with his one remaining beady eye.
Perched high on the ramparts, he surveyed the small group making its way from
the dark, dank dungeons towards the centre of the courtyard. <o:p></o:p></div>
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A single bell tolled; steadily, relentlessly marking the
march of time, the march towards the ultimate end for the ultimate victim. The
steps of the guards matched the strike of the hammer on the tarnished bronze of
the bell, crunching the gravel beneath their worn boot leather as a crowd
gathered, silent and nervous in anticipation at the tumultuous events that
would soon unfurl. <o:p></o:p></div>
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From his vantage point the Raven surveyed the growing pack
as it swelled and swayed, agitated and anticipated. A draught chill of breeze
rose from the river, ruffling the feathers of the proud bird but not raising so
much as a quiver from the silent sentinel. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The most intimidating figure in the group came at the back,
dressed entirely in black. Leather chaps protected his muscular thighs.
Fingerless gloves would allow a firm grip for the gruesome and thankless task
that lay ahead. A black mask concealed his identity from all within the castle
confines that morning. They had eyes not for the man, but for the object held
firm in both hands before him. Glinting in the pale watery sunshine, it would
dispatch the unfortunate victim within the coming moments.<o:p></o:p></div>
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The Raven chose this moment to break his silence. A shriek,
a punctuation of breath and a further guttural call brought a momentary gasp
from the band of witnesses below. One more call, a smattering of wing beats and
a push from the sharpened talons on the stonework below launched the ebony
feathered brute above the crowd. He circled and swooped scattering the few
pigeons and sparrows that braved his territory this morning before settling on
the highest tower, claiming the best view for himself. <o:p></o:p></div>
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A murmur, then a mumble emerged from the spectators,
silenced by a single glance from the commander of the guard, his scarred face
evidencing days on the battlefield serving his royal master. The reason for the
interruption? The presence, unannounced, of the unwilling star of today’s
performance; her one and only opportunity in this part. The chance of a reprise
would not rear its head again but, then again, neither would she.<o:p></o:p></div>
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She betrayed no fear at what lay ahead as she maintained the
grace that her position of the three previous years had demanded; the weighty
headwear replaced by a simple silk cap. <o:p></o:p></div>
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After a few words from the attendant clergyman she knelt on
the rough-hewn boards of the platform. She closed her eyes, placed her palms
together and began a prayer that only she could hear. The raven affixed his
stare on the man in black. He raised his burden parallel to the ground and
level with the pale neck of the woman. One swing, one strike and the call of
the single feathered member of the audience. Henry’s second Queen was no more.<o:p></o:p></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-90336762496051912832015-01-01T09:01:00.000+00:002015-01-01T09:01:26.774+00:00The Best Is Yet To Come<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Inspired by @cazzwebbo and her New Year Writing Challenge.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> * * * * * </span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He: Larger than life
gentleman GSOH WLTM outgoing and witty lady for visits to country pub. We can
go in my Merc.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh Dear! What a collection of clichés! Overweight, balding,
and laughs at his own jokes! Merc! Probably understaffed in the trouser
department! Well so long as he isn’t in leather trousers or a ponytail like the
last one, he’s worth a try.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She: Attractive professional
lady wishes to meet gentleman for fun, food and fine wines. Loves cinema,
country pubs and animals.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hmm! Between the lines she wants someone solvent. Cinema? Not
like the one who took me all the subtitled rubbish. Who wants to read at the
flicks? And if it’s all rom coms then she probably lives with her mother and
collects cats. Well as long as she isn’t spray tanned orange like the last one,
she’s worth a try.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They meet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Under the station clock. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another cliché. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The last one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A city wine bar, not a country pub. Sauvignon blanc. Chilean.
Good choice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">An hour becomes two, then three. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wine almost untouched.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">His humour entrances. Not contrived, not smutty. Natural, in
the flow of conversation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She giggles, laughs, smiles at his innocent charm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He is deeply sensitive. She can tell in his eyes, in the
timbre of his voice. He has been hurt before, he is wary, but he won’t admit
it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She recognises something she hasn’t seen before. He is able
to care. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Shall we move on?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No. A little longer is fine. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Her hand brushes his. He doesn’t resist. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He drops his head a little. She lowers her eyes then looks
up, through the lashes. Doe eyed. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The moment. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They both realise. Instinctively. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Her heartbeat quickens. She feels the flush in her cheeks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He keeps the eye contact, lowers his voice, leans in.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">‘You’re beautiful!’ <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She grasps his hand.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">‘You are too!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He reaches with his free hand, strokes her face. Like fine
porcelain. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She does the same. The faint beginnings of stubble, soft and
textured.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She moves first. Surprises him. He tastes the gentle sweetness
of her lips. Two, three seconds. She pulls back. Their eyes lock. They know. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">He returns the act. Strong, but gentle. Her lips part
slightly. Their eyes close. Oblivious to the rest of the room. Time freezes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They know when to stop. She still holds his hand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">They know. They just know. The best is yet to come. </span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-12485064232998112022013-12-24T16:53:00.001+00:002013-12-24T16:53:04.565+00:00When the Round Round Robin Comes to Round 2!<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We first met the ghastly Jocasta and Horatio last year in this post:</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://supposeshakespearestartedthiswaytoo.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/when-round-round-robin-comes-bob-bob.html">http://supposeshakespearestartedthiswaytoo.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/when-round-round-robin-comes-bob-bob.html</a> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What have they been up to since? And why do they want everyone to know? Because some people genuinely believe all their tedium is of great interest to the rest of humanity.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Please enjoy. I'm off to brush the cat!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">* * * * *</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hello Daaaaahhhhlings!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another orbit of Helios since our last communication and we are sure you are desperate to hear of developments <i>chez nous</i>?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Persephone has completed a year of further training in what we thought was 'Orbital Mechanics', but apparently this grunt actually translates as 'I want to be a mechanic'. The </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">birthday purchase of a telescope has gone a little to waste: Swarfega seems more likely next time around. The leakage of sump oil from her bedroom floor to the dining room is a real talking point at dinner parties, and the occasional gloopy dollop in the rustic <i>fois gras </i>only enhances the flavour. We are literally bursting with pride!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Wombat isn't a young gentleman after all. It was so difficult to tell through the various piercings, tattoos and incomprehensible mumblings. Horatio's mother had a rather strange reaction, but her surgery was successful and the restraining order expires on her 75th birthday. so good news all round! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Araminta and Taramasalata, our twins, continue to show lively creativity in all they do. A local constable commended the pair of them in regard of their expressive mural art forms along the outer walls of the police station. 'They tell us you are Banksie' the officer declared to Horatio; how proud Jocasta was as she roared with laughter from her hiding place in the study. We believe his other comment was that he didn't appreciate the acronym ACAB fully, but at that point we were aglow. The two of them fund their exploits from their own pockets too, with a weekend job at the security service. Horatio drops them at MFI each Saturday morning! </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are literally bursting with pride!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Spartacus, like his older sister, really is a budding thespian. After the triumph of last years Nativity, the year one play became a one man show as he lovingly and realistically created the conditions of Irish prisoners in the early eighties. The audience, cast and most of the staff were literally moved to tears by his performance. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Spartacus has a real way with words. We have been called to the Headteacher's office so often to receive tremendous feedback about our wonderful children. This time he was astoundingly aware of traditional parasitic plants at the Christmas season, as he announced 'My daddy kisses my mummy under the camel-toe every Christmas day.' </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We are literally bursting with pride!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The Puggles, are sadly no longer with us. No, they aren't dead! Mrs Smythe, the receptionist at the animal clinic, and wife of the chief vet, took them off our hands after hearing 'We are hear to show your husband our Prince Albert and Vajazzle' every Saturday for three months from the twins. She seemed a little cross, but should show a little more respect for young people and their care of animals inadvertently covered in spray paints.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We have become quite close to the lovely couple from up the road from us. Names escape us for the moment, but they are actually quite nice for teachers. They escorted us to the Tuscan villa where he was able to converse jovially with the locals. Some form of pidgin English I believe; lots of words ending in vowels. The peasant farmers truly appreciate our work on the outbuildings. Their hand gestures and jocularity at the open plan roof space and rustic plumbing needed no translation. Mr and Mrs Teacher assured us that the locals have a special place for us. In fact a man with dark glasses and a large shiny limousine showed us where it was, near a new flyover, and even gave it a name '<i>Non Ritorno</i>' which apparently has to be said with a certain menace in the tone in the local dialect. Oh how we laughed!</span></div>
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<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our new friends really are good sports. They rewarded our comments about how with a few more years experience they would be able to teach the older ones soon with a wonderful retail tip. Apparently that rather grubby looking store near the council estate is an excellent source of wasabi rocket, scallops, cous-cous and a delightful Sancerre. Apparently the acronym means Artisan Local Development Initiative: just up our street, so off we pootled in the 4x4. It must be terribly popular because most of those lines were out of stock, but a few wonderful substitutes were offered. Ace Lightning is a popular apple based brew, and '<i>fingres de poisson</i>' are terribly tasty. The artisans really made us feel welcome by recycling our car tyres, providing all round ventilation for the vehicle and leaving a little present on the seat to match the one that Spartacus provided earlier. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Oh what a social whirl we lead!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Toodle-pip until the next <i>annus miabilis!!</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jocasta, Horatio, Persephone, Araminta, Taramasalata and Spartacus xxx</span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-11436575969922650792013-08-02T19:00:00.000+01:002013-08-02T19:00:17.444+01:00Should this be on the Radio?<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This has been on my hard drive for a year or so! It's the first episode of a sitcom I wrote with radio in mind- very much in the vein of 'Cabin Pressure' and 'Claire in the Community'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The central character is a male teacher who is dominated by all the women in his life: wife, daughters, colleagues. Can't think where the inspiration came from! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Melody, the Deputy Head, is a completely original creation, and the character of whom I am most proud. She has a few interesting 'quirks', and an intriguing back story.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Please let me know what you think. And if you know someone at the BBC give them a shove; I've sent it twice and not heard a sausage!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I have three more complete episodes written- and more to complete this holiday!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * </span></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 16.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Henpecked!<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Episode
1- Is the whole world against me?<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Scene
1: James and Liz Kendall’s Home<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James:
(<i>looking into bathroom mirror</i>) Hmm! Why is it that every morning at
least three eyebrow hairs migrate northwards? Come on, stay down! Mm! Another
grey one there! Just comb that under so nobody will see it unless it pops out
again. Oh not again! Yet more crows feet by the eyes. Mmmm! The light is a bit
harsh in here I suppose. What about a facelift? Definitely not. I would look permanently
surprised. And the wrinkles on the forehead. Well what do you expect with what
I have to put up with? But apart from that not bad for 47. Well apart from the
prematurely silver hair. And the hair on the back. Liz hates it. (<i>Mimics</i>) ‘It’s like sleeping with a
sheepskin rug’. I wonder if they go all
the way through from the front like dental floss. Ouch! Clearly not. Better not
do that again. It’s taken years to grow that lot.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">(<i>Phone sounds- text message</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James:
(<i>Reads</i>) ‘DAD U LOSER STOP TALKING TO YOURSELF WEIRDO’. Charming
Livvy. Let’s just reply to that shall we: ‘Next time your boyfriend comes
around I am going to embarrass you by talking about where and when you were
conceived. Again! LOL Dad!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: (<i>From outside of bathroom</i>) James! James! Can I hear clicking? Are
you on the phone in there?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Just replying to our darling eldest
daughter. (<i>Phone sounds- text message</i>)
Doesn’t she know it’s ‘<i>y-o-u-apostrophe-r-e</i>’
not ‘<i>y-o-u-r’</i>. And there is a k at
the beginning of ‘<i>knob’</i>. (<i>Opens door</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: She is in the next room. Can’t
you just talk to her or shout through the wall?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: At this hour in the morning? And you
know how much you hate to be disturbed. You even moan about the bird song.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: You do exaggerate. I thought
you were on that social network site to that woman again. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: You mean Amanda. She happens to be a
very intelligent person and we have a great deal in common.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: Just like Veronica?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Oh! Veronica. Raven haired,
tempestuous, dramatic, artistic...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: Until you found that she was
actually a fat, bald, arthritic Geordie called Vince living a fantasy life. How
many years did he get?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Well we all live and learn by our
experiences. Besides Amanda and I share a great love of literature, theatre,
music and cinema, and she tells me I look just like George Clooney. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: James, that is because you
posted a picture of George Clooney on your profile page. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Well darling there happens to be a
great many people who say that he and I bear a canny resemblance? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz:
Who exactly James? Who? This is not going to be a very long or
substantial list I suspect. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Lauren at the hair salon for a start.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: Lauren! That outrageous flirt!
She drops a compliment like that to absolutely every man who walks in there
just to earn herself a tip. What did she call Alan? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Keanu Reeves! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: Keanu Reeves! Sweaty Alan with the permanent body odour and
the fashion sense of a rodent who looks like the illegitimate offspring of
Johnny Vegas and Waynetta Slob! On a good day! Who else?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James:
Well there was Anya next door.
She was a lovely girl.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: Anya. The Russian student! She
was only nineteen so how she knows who George Clooney is is another matter. She
is clearly just training up for one of those Moscow honey traps we read about
in the Sunday papers. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: I’m not going to win this am I? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: Darling! Do you ever? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James:
We last agreed 17 and a half
years ago when you said ‘I do’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: So we are agreed. I am correct
then. AGAIN! Who did Melody compare you to exactly?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Melody! With the brain capacity of a
drunken amoeba!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: Melody! Who beat you to the
deputy head job last year. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Only because of the cleavage she had
on show. I couldn’t exactly do that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: I wouldn’t be so sure. Have
you seen your moobs recently fat boy! Come on! What did she call you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: I can’t quite remember at this moment.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: James! Come on!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Ok! It was John Craven. Not very
glamorous is he?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: Precisely. Just face it James.
You are 47 years old. Compliments are going to be few and far between at your
age. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Very thin on the ground from my wife,
that’s for certain. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: There will even fewer if you
don’t get a move on. You’ve got your performance management review with Melody
this morning. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Don’t remind me! She has let this go
to her head recently. You’ve never lost it have you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: Lost it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Yes. The ability to make me feel so
good.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Scene 2: Melody’s Office<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">(<i>Knock on door</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: (<i>In
contrived Essex accent</i>) Come in!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Good Morning Melody! Are we all set
to begin? Performance management. Highlight of the year!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Hi Jimmy. Take a seat won’t you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: James.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: That’s what I said babe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Babe?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Saucy! I could sue you for sexual
harassment?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James:
(<i>Under breath</i>) If you could spell it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Shall we get this started? We haven’t
got all day. Now I was thinking…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James:
(<i>Under breath</i>) …and breathing at the same time. Obviously
multitasking now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: … that you need to take on
responsibility for some disciplinary matters. To boost your authority around
the school with the staff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Surely that’s your responsibility
Melody. I remember that being in the job profile when we both applied. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Well things move on as you know Jimbo,
new roles, new responsibilities.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: It’s James. You know I don’t like to
shorten it, and Liz can’t abide any abbreviation of it. We’ve worked together
for over 10 years. You should know me by now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Whatever! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James:
Look Melody can’t I just sort
out Kaspar? He and I get along quite well. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Not after the last time. You were
helping him sort out his premium vodka collection and the head found you both
fast asleep in the games shed amongst the tennis equipment. You were lucky it
was after school.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: A small misunderstanding Melody.
Besides he has his black armband on again today. Must be the anniversary of the
Second Partition of Poland. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: I didn’t realise there was a first
series. Was it on one of those foreign channels you watch?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: (<i>Exasperated</i>)
He is very proud of his roots. Plus he is a massive improvement on Darren. No
digits removed yet and the fire alarms all work now, so there is no danger of
year three being cremated alive. So, tell me, who is it I need to sort out. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Emma Taylor. Year five.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Emma Taylor? What on earth has she
done? It’s always nose to the grindstone in her class. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: James you’re such a gent. She has
found it all a bit difficult what with her marital problems and her mother’s
health. Haven’t you seen what she’s been wearing lately?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Melody, you know I have great
difficulty in telling what Liz is wearing most days. What on earth has Emma
been sporting?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: It’s not what, but how much material. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Is she in a burkha?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody:
Jimmy. It is see through. Her
legs and her bra are on full show for the whole class when the sun shines
behind her, and as they had sex education last week they need no encouragement.
They were sniggering at the pair of pink balloons she used in the science
lesson in the afternoon, and don’t mention what they were saying about the
sausages at lunchtime.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: I can’t tell a recently divorced
woman that that her décolletage is visible to her class.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Get you and your big words. No, just
say that her chest is on show. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Melody, I just did.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: No to her, not me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Look Melody! This is just not me is
it? I barely know the woman, so to start off a conversation about her legs and
breasts will make me look like a complete sleazebag. Just remember what Daniel
was like. How many women did he offend?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Don’t be unfair about Daniel. He knew
the way to a girl’s heart.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Four glasses of cheap champagne and a
run down the A2 in his Merc for a spot of dogging in a lay-by is a little too
caveman for me. Now what about Emma?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Well try your lines out on me. You are
normally so good with the words you use. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Ok then! Now, Emma. (<i>pause- ignored</i>) Emma! Melody, that’s
you!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Oh! Sorry hon! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Now, Emma! This is slightly delicate,
but um-er I need to raise a certain concern about your dress.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Do you like it babes! A bargain
online, you should look out for one your wife.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Not your dress, your attire, your
outfit.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Come on! Get to the point! You can
only stretch a compliment so far. I don’t want you trying it on with me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: (<i>flustered</i>)
Emma, it’s er just that some items of your apparel are a little translucent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Don’t get you babe!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: (<i>frustrated</i>)
You may wish to find more suitably opaque fashions for the classroom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Program error! Still not computing!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: (<i>v
frustrated</i>) For God’s sake Emma I can see your breasts through your blouse!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: (<i>Slaps
James</i>) You pervert! You’re staring at my tits!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Melody! For heaven’s sake! We were
role playing!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: I don’t care what you and Liz do at home,
but don’t involve me in your sordid affairs. Now go and deal with Emma before
the bell goes!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Well I hope it’s safer than being in
here!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Scene 3: Mr Kendall’s
Classroom<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Good Morning David.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">David: Here Mr Kendall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Good Morning Grace.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Grace: Here Mr Kendall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James:
Good Morning Tanvir.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Tanvir: Here Mr Kendall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: And Good Morning Vicky.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Vicky: Here Mr Kendall. (<i>pause</i>) Mr Kendall, why have you got a
hand mark on both cheeks? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: (<i>Embarrassed</i>)
It’s a little chilly this morning. Brings a rosy glow- just warming myself up; getting
the blood flowing helps the brain at this time of the morning. You should all
try it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Grace: Mr Kendall, I saw Mrs Taylor crying
in her classroom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Well perhaps she was a little upset
about the chick in the reception class that died the other day. Which reminds
me David…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">David: I didn’t say nothing honest.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Which means you must have said
something. Miss Fincham tells me that someone told Vicky’s little brother Jake
that the chicks were told be called … now where is that list … here we are … oh
yes … Nugget, Dipper, Nando and …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">David: It was Tanvir too. He suggested
Bhuna, Korma and Madras. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Tanvir: Be fair sir. You’re always telling
us to express our creativity and imagination.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: But not at the expense of the
emotions of the five year olds in the school. Besides, you missed out Kiev,
Kentucky and Goujon. Haven’t I taught you anything in our cooking lessons? (<i>Raucous laughter from class</i>) Ok year six
settle down! Now Grace can you remember what we did in yesterday’s Literacy
lesson… CONNOR! LEAVE YOUR TROUSERS ALONE! YES! AND THE ZIP TOO! Grace?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Grace: We were looking at the ingredients
of the Witches’ Brew from Macbeth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">David:
Round about the cauldron go; In
the poison'd entrails throw.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Vicky: Fillet of a fenny snake,<br />
In the cauldron boil and bake;<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">David: Eye of newt and
toe of frog,<br />
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Tanvir: Hairy spiders,
poisoned ants,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Something nasty
from my pants<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Class: Oh!
Tanvir!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">James: Very
poetic, but not very Shakespearean is it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Tanvir: S’pose not! Why
are we doing all this ancient stuff anyway? He’s been dead for centuries!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">James: Dead for centuries!
(<i>higher</i>) Dead for centuries!! Mr
Shakespeare may have gone but his work is very much alive..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">David: (<i>To others</i>) Here we go again; it’s that
speech of his. ‘When I was at school…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">James: (<i>Striding around front of classroom</i>) When
I was at school my love of the Bard was inspired by one particularly
motivational teacher who had the class dancing and gyrating around the
cauldron…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Tanvir: (<i>To others</i>) ‘… and I was stirred…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">James: (<i>Sweeping arms</i>) … and I was stirred to
deliver the range of his work when I came to the front of the classroom myself.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Grace: (<i>To others</i>) ‘… because the drama, the
tension, the emotions…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">James: (<i>Dramatically</i>) … because the drama, the
tension, the emotions of his plays breathes life and innovation into the
English language.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Vicky: (<i>To others using exact tone and body language
of James</i>) ‘… and I know you’ve heard all this before…’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">James: … and I know you’ve
heard all this before, and I know Vicky exactly what you are doing because after
my teacher training and with my years of experience I have eyes in the back of
my head and super-human hearing..<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Vicky: (<i>Embarrassed</i>) Sorry!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">James: You will be and so
will I if Miss Kane finds us not doing maths again. Quick children here she is:
counting in 13s.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Whole Class: Zero 13 26
39…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span lang="FR" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: FR; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">James: Classe!
Levez-vous pour la </span><span lang="FR" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Directrice
adjointe ! Bonjour Mademoiselle Kane mon petit chou-fleur. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Melody: Oh your Mr Kendall thinks he is so
clever trying to catch me out with his fancy Spanish talk. (<i>Class
sniggers</i>) Mr Kendall, I see you dealt with Mrs Taylor successfully. After
that managerial and diplomatic success, I need to ask you to cover dinner duty
today. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">James: Dinner duty! Where is the Head? He
always does it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Melody: In a crisis management planning
meeting at the education offices. Something to do with long term photocopier
lease management.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">James: And you …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Melody … as busy as ever. Nothing to worry
about. Mrs Fellows will sort you out Babe. Ciao! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">David: Did Miss Kane really call you Babe sir?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">James: Enough of that. Now where were we? 52
65 … oh come on, wake up.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Scene 4: Lunchtime<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">James: That’s right. <i>(pause)</i> The pointed bit of the fork goes into the food, that’s how
you pick it up. <i>(pause)</i> Then put it
in your mouth. <i>(pause)</i> Now pull it
out. <i>(pause) </i>No<i>! </i>leave the food in your mouth. <i>(pause)</i>
This could take a very long time. <i>(pause-
shouts)</i> CONNOR! WOULD YOU DO THAT AT HOME? <i>(pause)</i> You would! How revolting. <i>(pause)</i> And what’s in your sandwiches?<i> (pause)</i> Beef paste and
banana. Lovely. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Mrs
Fellows: Hello there Mr Kendall. Miss
Kane said you would be helping me here today. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">James: I was hoping you could help me out
Mrs Fellows. It’s like the winter of discontent out here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Mrs
Fellows: Made glorious summer by this son
of York Mr Kendall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">James: I didn’t realise you were a friend of
the Bard Mrs Fellows. CONNOR- NOT LIKE THAT.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Mrs
Fellows: Ever since I was a young girl Mr
Kendall. Thanks to my good old dad. He even named all of his children after his
favourite roles, my brothers Richard and Henry after his favourite Kings, and
my sister Titania, though I am sure you can guess her nickname. And you may
call me Miranda, away from the children’s ears of course. (<i>to children</i>) That’s right my dear- line up on the right- out you
go!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">James: How refreshing to be brought up in
such a literate household. All I hear in the staffroom is celebrity gossip and
those mummy porn novels. It’s all rough-hewn hunks and interesting uses for
skipping ropes from what I can pick up. CONNOR- USE A SPOON, DON’T USE A STRAW!
YES IT IS JELLY! How on earth do you stay so calm?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Mrs
Fellows: It’s all an act. (<i>dramatically</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt;">
<i><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN;">All the world's a stage, <br />
And all the men and women merely players: <br />
They have their exits and their entrances; <br />
And one man in his time plays many parts. <o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">I’m probably very different away
from here. My husband certainly says so. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">James: Well you know your Shakespeare Mrs
Fellows, which sets you aside from the rest of the adults here. There’s about
as much culture as a live yoghurt at times. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Mrs
Fellows: The children love your lessons
Mr Kendall. They are always doing impressions of you teaching when they are on
the playground. Quite a commendation I would say. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">James: What a pleasant surprise to hear
that. They never give me a clue in the class. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Mrs
Fellows: Oh Mr Kendall, what a modest man
you are. The children and the parents absolutely love you. My two can’t wait to
get to your class. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">James: Which classes are they in? I can
never remember.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Mrs
Fellows: Well Oberon is in Year 2. He’ll
be seven next week. I am so pleased with Mrs Lynch. She has shown a great
understanding of his problems. And Hermia is in Year 5 with Mrs Taylor. She has
seemed a bit distracted lately. When she let the children in this morning she
looked as if she had been crying. Has something upset her?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">James: (<i>Guiltily</i>)
I couldn’t imagine what that could be. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">Mrs
Fellows: Just between you and me, a lot
of the parents can’t wait for their children to get to your class Mr Kendall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">James: I’m not really one for the school
gate gossip Mrs Fellows, but thank you, you have brightened my day. CONNOR!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT LUNCHBOX!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Scene 5: Mr Kendall’s
Classroom<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Settle down everyone. Now Vicky, what
are we cooking this afternoon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Vicky: Rock cakes sir! That’s a bit of a
funny name; why are they called that. Who wants to eat a rock?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James:
Anyone know the answer to that?
Why are they called rock cakes? David! Inform us with your gems of wisdom.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">David: They are all lumpy and bumpy. Like
Tanvir’s face after he had the chicken pox.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Tanvir: Like your mum’s minging backside you
mean!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">David: Mr Kendall! He’s cussing my mum. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Just leave it out boys won’t you. Not
quite appropriate in the classroom. Grace, can you read out the ingredients for
each group please. Why do we need to get the measurements right?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Grace: It’s all about ratio and proportion
isn’t it Mr Kendall. If you have too much or too little of something you will
ruin it. Like your wife’s friend who defrosted that food for six hours instead
of six minutes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James:
Quite. Lemon meringue pie became
lemon meringue soup. You could have used your straw for that instead of your
jelly there Connor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">David: Mr Kendall? (<i>he wants to waste time with a silly question</i>) How often does
Shakespeare mention food in his plays? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: At last David you seem to have caught
the bug of the Bard, the passion of the playwright!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">David: That’s right sir! All that Macbeth
and ‘Wear four out there Romeo’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Where for art thou Romeo!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">David: That’s what I meant sir! It’s your
inspirational teaching!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: So inspirational in fact that I have stimulated
you to find the answer to that question for your own personal homework. I
expect the answer in full tomorrow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Vicky: Ha! Serves you right for your time
wasting!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: And Vicky will look up his references
to time. The internet is a wonderful thing isn’t it. Now! Grace, our ingredients
if you would be so kind. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Scene 6: The Staffroom:
Afternoon break<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Something’s smelling good there Jimbo,
what’s on the menu today?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: (<i>sarcastically</i>)
Rock cakes. With real rocks. Actually its gravel for the nouvelle cuisine
version. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: You are so funny at times Jim, but I’m
not stupid…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Hmm!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody … I know it’s not actual rock. Now I
know you caught me out with Spotted Dick that time …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: That was quite an embarrassment for
the head wasn’t it? You and that custard suggestion.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: FYI Not a long memory on that one
babes. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Conveniently selective memory loss
again Melody. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: And I haven’t forgotten the strange
hair that was in my cookie in that assembly a couple of years ago. Whose was
that?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Danny! Oh be fair he has Asperger’s,
and he had worked for ages on that recipe. He was so proud of the special
ingredient. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: It was the head louse that was
attached to it that did it for me. Did you tell the head what was in his?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Not on that occasion! Thank heavens
he threw up before they had to pump his stomach. (<i>Buzzer sounds</i>) Well that’s me! Let’s get these to class and feed
the hungry millions. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Scene 7: Mr Kendall’s
Classroom<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James:
Ready for the big reveal year
six?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Tanvir: Too right Mr Kendall, I’m starving.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Vicky: Sure it’s not Ramadan again Tanvir?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Tanvir: No, that was just an excuse to get
away from you and your pink icing. Barbie cakes? I have my reputation to look
after you know.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Grace: Mr Kendall has told us we should be
tolerant of all faiths, genders and opinions.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: You are right there Grace. Now in my humble
opinion we need to polish these off before they go stale. If you like them, we
will cook a bigger batch for the end of term fayre. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">David: And if we don’t Mr Kendall.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: If we don’t there’s always a place
for you in the stocks again David. How much did Jake spend on that the last
time Vicky? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Vicky: Enough for about fifty sponges.
He’s been saving up since then David.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">David: I suggest we get stuck in Mr
Kendall, and hope we enjoy it. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Who needs a second invitation? Vicky.
David. Hand them round and tuck in!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Class: (<i>Interrupted by moans, groans and class banter</i>) Here David! Don’t
forget me! Urgh you touched that one! You’ve got to eat it now! Mr Kendall,
Connor breathed on mine!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James:
Yes Tanvir, what is it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Tanvir: I don’t want to alarm anyone but ….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Grace: Oh no! Tanvir is it a big but or a
small but?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Tanvir: … but the wart that was on my finger
before I stirred up our mixture; it’s gone! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">(<i>Class breaks into mass hysteria, vomiting
noises, groans etc.)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Scene 8: Melody’s Office<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Jimmy. If you were to rate your
performance today, how would you grade yourself. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: On teaching good I suppose, on
managerial matters bordering on satisfactory.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Not been your day has it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: It has been a little testing Melody.
I think we could agree on that.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Emma Taylor has been sobbing all day.
I can’t get a word of sense from her. What did you say to her?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Very similar words to our rehearsal I
think.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Just as I feared. Did you ever
consider a career in diplomacy before you were a teacher? Reverend Moon you
ain’t babe.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: You mean Ban-Ki Moon Melody.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Aren’t they the same person?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: No Melody. Do you know who Ban-Ki
Moon is?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Do you think I’m stupid? …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: (<i>to
self</i>) only about 99.99% of the time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: …He’s head of the European Commission
isn’t he.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Melody, he is Secretary-General of
the United Nations. And he is Korean.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Does that make your sister-in-law Kim
Korean too? They’re all called Kim.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: She might have all the subtleties of
Kim Jong-Il but as she was born in Hemel Hempstead, just like her sister, my
wife.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: There is no need to be fastidious!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Facetious! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Jimbo! I happen to like people from
other cultures if you don’t mind!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">(<i>SFX Text tone- Plays ‘Rabbit’ by Chas and
Dave</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Excuse me Melody. A message from my
wife. ‘GET TEA BAGS ON WAY HOME. AND EXTRA SNACKS. EMILY HAS THE HAIRY BEAST
OVER TONIGHT’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Ew! New phone Jimski! You reaching the
twenty first century at last. Change from the yoghurt pots and string you used
to have. Let’s have a look.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Don’t press anything I don’t know
about Melody. I don’t want any unusual charges. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: We have got to teach you some serious
lessons boy. What do you use it for?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Calls, texts and social networking.
See that surprised you!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: So I can see. I’ve found your page.
There is a message from someone called Amanda. She looks a bit out of your
league. Does Liz know?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Melody! I would rather you didn’t. It’s
private you know.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Jimbo, there is no such thing as
private in these situations. Don’t you remember the trouble that Daniel got
into for posting those pictures of him and Jean Ball?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: I’d forgotten about that. How on
earth did she hold that position and keep whatever that thing was in under her
chin at the same time? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: No idea hun, but luckily she and her
husband were on another one of their ‘breaks’ and didn’t find out, otherwise he
would have been chasing Daniel.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Yes I hear that those mobility
scooters have quite a turn of speed going downhill. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: He was lucky not to have been
suspended!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Unlike her! Hah-hah!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Is that funny?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: How?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Never mind! What was the age
difference between Jean and Daniel?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Twenty nine years! What was the
comment that he posted?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: The face may be like a pickled walnut
but the plumbing is in top class condition. Good use of metaphor I thought!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Not one of your chat up lines I hope!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Melody it’s been over twenty years since
I went on a date. In those days you had to have permission in writing just to
hold hands! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Well I can see you have impressed
Amanda. ‘Hello again @JamesK. You look just like George Clooney. Has anyone
told you that?’ Jimski what are you like you little saucepot!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Melody! Please, we share a lot of
interests.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: You know this model has voice
recognition too don’t you? Easy when you know how!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Melody! Don’t!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Some people do but my bezzie thinks
I’m more like John Craven.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Phone
Voice: Sending message to
@AmandaM ‘Some people do but my bezzie thinks I’m more like John Craven’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Well thank you Melody! Now she will
think I have no class. I wouldn’t use words like bezzie, and you aren’t my
bezzie anyway.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Now come along Jimmy, you love me
really.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Well you know what they say about a
thin line ….<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Anyway! Back to business! After what
you have said about Kaspar, I agree that you should be his line manager too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Thank you Melody. I am sure we can
help him get onto the right path. Remember it’s a language thing with him. He
doesn’t understand all the procedures yet does he.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: He should know ‘cleaning rota’ by now.
And ‘clear the drains out’. The boys’ toilets opposite are totally rank.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: He wasn’t a caretaker in Wroclaw was
he? He has a background in the coal mines. There are a lot of differences.
Besides he has a good work ethic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: He wouldn’t last five minutes in
Essex!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Ethic, not Essex!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Not deaf babe, not deaf. Let’s face it
though. Kaspar at times is a lazy sod!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Phone
Voice: Sending text message to
Kaspar ‘At times you are a lazy sod.’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: Silly me. I’m still holding your
phone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Melody! What have you done to me now?
I think you may have set Anglo-Polish relations back several decades.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Melody: You said he had a language problem.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: I think we are going to have a bad
language problem here in a minute. (<i>Phone
sounds- text message</i>) Here we go! (<i>puts
on Polish accent</i>) ‘I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND. AND NOW YOU BETRAY ME LIKE
THOSE BOLSHEVIK SCUM! DIE IN A PIT OF YOUR OWN VOMIT YOU SON OF A COSSACK
WHORE!’<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Melody: That didn’t go too badly then did it.
You’ll have no problem sorting him out. Right I’m off to sort out my mother.
Ciao babes! Love you!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">James: No you don’t!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Melody: You would like to think so! MWAH!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">James: (<i>to
self</i>) Believe me Melody, nothing could be further from the truth!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<b><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Scene 9: James and Liz Kendall’s
Home<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Hello Darling! Home at last what a
day! Oh I see Emily has got Sigmund around again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: She has. And its Simon to his
face, remember. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: But by giving him Mr Freud’s moniker
it at least give him a modicum of intelligence, rather than the grunts we
normally get. How on earth do they communicate? Semaphore? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: It’s all changed since our
day. Remember you used to write me those little cards, with special requests
on. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: None of which were ever granted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: (<i>Ignoring that remark</i>) Tell me about your day. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: What is that they are playing up
there?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span lang="FR" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: FR;">Liz: It’s
Phil Collins!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span lang="FR" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: FR;">James: Phil Collins! </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Su-su-sudio!! We have a
cabinet full of Oasis, Blur, The Stone Roses and the like. How embarrassing!
Why can’t they sit on the front wall drinking nasty cider like normal
teenagers?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: It’s a phase, as always. Now
come on, what happened today.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: In a sentence: Melody asserted
herself, class got a real taste of something from the witches cauldron, I got a
two slaps and a reputation as a peeping tom, I may have found a kindred spirit, but not in
Kaspar, and I’m unlikely ever to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: In other words, just like any
other day! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Exactly!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: Tea?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: I thought you were never going to
ask. My throats as dry as .. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: Well stick the kettle on,
there’s the pot, leave it to brew for five minutes, not like that cat’s wee you
gave me this morning. And stick some digestives on a plate too!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James:
And where will you be? Throne
room? Bathing in asses milk? Boudoir?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: Picking the carving knife from
between your shoulder blades. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: It’s those little intimate touches
that tell me how much you love me!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">Liz: It won’t boil itself!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 72.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 115%;">James: Coming dear!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-36109704355218244202013-06-30T10:20:00.001+01:002013-06-30T10:20:20.056+01:00Half Time Report<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In the words of that great philosopher Jon Bon Jovi: '<b><i>Whoa we're halfway there!</i></b>'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Time then to review my 'Thirteen for '13', look at tactics, bring on some substitutes and dish out some Fergie style hairdryer treatments!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So how are we doing so far?</span><br />
<br /></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>1. Meeting Twitter friends:</b> None so far, but plans afoot for the Summer- a few beers to be quaffed! Nearly encountered some twitterati at the Nordicana Show with Mrs C but as we look nothing like a Mr Man or a rabbit, we missed our target!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>2. Michael Gove will see sense: </b>Hmm!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>3. I will find more good value wine: </b>Two euros again for a decent French Red- success. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>4. I want to read at least 20 books.</b> Five so far- but that is what the Summer holidays are for.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>5. My writing will be discovered: </b> Not yet- I might post my sitcom on here for a wider audience.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>6. The mighty 'People's Club' will win some much deserved silverware: </b>Respectable season saw Moyes taking a trip up the East Lancs Road. Martinez has respect of fans though. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>7. Liars paying the price for their actions: </b>Two good friends have had success there. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>8. I will cook a new recipe at least twice a month and share it with my Twitter friends: </b>Cooked, some shared and a food blog on its way, as soon as my blog partner designs the site!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>9. Greater financial sense!</b> What is it with teenaged girls!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>10. Gardening news: </b>Courgettes looking OK at the moment, and just spotted first tomato flowers!</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>11. Common sense will prevail in education.</b> Twigg really does not have a clue does he. This morning on the Andrew Marr Show he told us . . . . well nothing really.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>12. There will be positive action in Parliament to DVA: </b>Cameron's response to the Philpott case, blaming benefit culture, was a disgrace. The recent very public assault of Nigella Lawson proves that DV transcends all boundaries of class and well being. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>13. We will all be in a happier place by this time next year!: </b>Save that one until Christmas!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Verdict: Must ensure focus is maintained upon the targets set to realise the potential therein. Must use that on my reports! </span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-31788586182775806642013-04-03T19:28:00.000+01:002013-04-03T19:28:11.316+01:00The Bridge: Estuary Noir Style.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
<img height="245" src="http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01500/dartford_1500427b.jpg" width="400" /></div>
<div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Inspired by the successful English language version of Wallander, I wondered if there was a market for an update of my favourite Scandi drama of last year. Inspiration came from a Bank Holiday visit to the concrete and glass permatanned hell that is Bluewater Shopping Centre, and the view from the approach road. </span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've even given it the theme tune <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vy7yuj-UrNI">https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vy7yuj-UrNI</a></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Enjoy!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
* * * * * * * * * </div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 36.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: 36.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">(<i>SFX: Mobile Phone Ringtone- Spring from The Four Seasons</i>)</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Yes!
Pipe here! Better be good it’s nearly 3 in the morning. What? A Body? On the
Bridge? Surely that’s Essex Constabulary? In the middle you say? Exactly on the
middle? Stop the traffic and get me clearance to come over the wrong way! Be there
in twenty.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">(<i>Atmospheric theme music as
Pipe drives down scenic Kentish lanes before hitting the joyless industrial
estates of Dartford, and onto the bridge</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: DI Pipe. Kent Constabulary. Who is the senior officer
here, it looks like a circus. Get these rubberneckers out of the way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: That will be me babes! DI Lane, Essex Constabulary. We prefer
first names on our side hun! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: And you are?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Fantine!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Ah! Your parents were fans of the classic work by Victor
Hugo.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Nah! Some bloke shagged my mum up against the bins round
the back of the Bingo Hall after she was off her tits on Fanta and Malibu. Nine
months later out I pop. She named me after what caused me!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: What a beautiful story?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Fantine Teniqua Beyonce Malibu Lane! But you can call me
Fanny!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Fanny Lane! Hmm!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: And you are?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Gordon. As in the gin!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Oh you should see me after a few gins at Sugarhut babe. Five
of those and I’m anybody’s!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Charming, I’m sure. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: So was your mum off her face on Gordon’s when your Dad
banged her?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Some children are actually conceived in a conventional
loving relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Not round here babe! Sorry! Gordon! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Let’s just stick to Pipe and Lane shall we? Now where is
this body?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Right here! Not been touched yet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Bizarrely dressed I would say!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Seems quite normal to me!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Not surprisingly (<i>To
self</i>) Note this down! You can write can’t you? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: And you are in charge because?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Because the head is on my side! On the Kent side!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Ah get you now hun!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Subject would appear to be male judging by the haircut and
the Hollister top. Over-priced designer brands for the local youths. Some sort
of tribal tattoo along the right arm. Would you agree Lane?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: No I’m guessing it’s a female victim. Velour tracksuit. Faked
Chanel. Designer label trainers also counterfeit, and a tattoo with ‘<i>Marc 4 me 4 eva</i>!’ around the ankle.
Besides I’ve already looked down the pants. Tiny thong and no meat and two veg.
we’ve got a babe, babe!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Unless it’s a hermaphrodite!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Come again Guv!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: A Lady-Boy! A she-male!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: We get them down the Hut all the time. My ex had one hell
of a surprise after one session. Didn’t stop him though, dirty little bleeder.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: center; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">(<i>SFX: Mobile Phone Ringtone- Mr Lover Man)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
<div align="center" style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: center; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: That’s him now! Babes! How ya doing? No! How, not who!
Dirty bugger! Can’t really talk now, I’m on a job! No! Not on the job! And no
not on the … Am you wonder why I left you! See ya!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Can we get on with it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: That’s what he said! Why do you keep touching your goolies?
You’re not one of those doggers are you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: No! I’ve recently had a delicate operation … downstairs. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: What? In the living room?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: No! Below!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: In the wine cellar! I know you’ve got posh houses in Kent.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: For God’s sake I’ve had a bloody vasectomy and my bollocks
are really sore! And the last thing I need is mindless drivel, so if you don’t
mind! The Body!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: OK! Sore point! I’ll do the head! And don’t give me that
look!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: I wouldn’t dream! OK feet for me as you’ve already done
that end of things! I’m just going to remove these shoes. One and two and …
AAARGH!! What is this? It’s bleeding still. Constable- an arc light over here
now!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: AAARGH!! Me too! All over my hands! It feels like brain
matter!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: We are looking at a violent assault! Multiple causes of
death! Where is that bloody arc light?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Pipe! How long has blood been orange?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: What do you mean? It has the feel of congealed blood.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: It’s not blood you Muppet! It is a case of too much fake
tan paste! They never rub it in properly! Why do you think their legs are so streaky?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Because they had wet themselves when drunk out of their
skulls?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Well there is that as well! But what about me? I’ve got
this brain gunk all over my hands! Was he beaten to death?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: That isn’t brain matter! It’s an excess of hair product! Good
God! It is dripping from your hands! How much has this boy used?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: What do you mean?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Never dated a Dartford boy?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Never shagged beyond Brentwood mate!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: They all have it! Go to Bluewater on a windy day and any
male under twenty four doesn’t have a hair out of place. The rest of us have been
dragged through several hedges backwards. And the real reason for the smoking
ban in clubs wasn’t for the smoke. One discarded match in the wrong direction
and WOOF!! The whole lot would have gone up!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Essex girls think? (<i>SFX-
Slap</i>) They think!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Two bodies! Not one!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Up with the top! Down with the tracksuit!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: There! Cut across the middle and placed together! Symmetrical!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Asymmetrical! Can’t you tell this script was written by a
teacher?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: Yeah! Bloody peasant!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: Pedant!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: That’s the one!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: You know what Lane?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Lane: What?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">Pipe: We aren’t looking at a crime of passion! We are looking at
a crime against fashion!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">(<i>Fades into theme tune as both gaze balefully into the middle distance-
to the oil refineries of Canvey Island or to the marshes of Gravesend where
Magwitch emerged to threaten young Pip in Great Expectations, depending upon
your cultural preferences</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm; margin-left: 72.0pt; margin-right: 0cm; margin-top: 0cm; text-indent: -72.0pt;">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-86199996009588407602013-03-04T17:15:00.005+00:002013-03-04T17:15:42.946+00:00Strictly Political Dancing
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">No new sketch this week- so irritated by last week's lack of interest from the Beeb- but much pleased at the response from my readership. And as one of my 'fans' says, 'keep your own voice'- so here is something I put together last October- hence not quite so topical! Worth a read nonetheless. </span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * </div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Music: Strictly Come Dancing Theme<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Bruce:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Please welcome
our next couple to the dance floor, doing the Viennese Waltz David Cameron and
his partner Nick Clegg! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-align: center; text-indent: -72pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Polite applause<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-align: center; text-indent: -72pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Music: (in waltz time): If you don’t know me by now<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-align: center; text-indent: -72pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Music fades down so we hear their conversation.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Nick:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>David, you’re
treading on my toes!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">David:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No Nick, you’re
treading on my toes!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Nick:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>David, you’ve
been treading on my toes constantly during this competition. I wonder if you
actually know in which direction you are going!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">David:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I’m going to the
right!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Nick:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No! Here we
need to go to the</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> centre</span><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">! (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Huffs</i>) There we go!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">David:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And we will keep
this</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> centre</span><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> position until … now (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Huffs</i>)
Back in the correct direction now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Nick:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We need to go
the centre now! (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Huffs</i>) <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the vote on the green tax. And now to the
right for the tuition fees. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Huffs</i>) <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And now a left for the vote on AV! (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Huffs</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">David:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And back to the
right for the EU debate. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Huffs</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-align: center; text-indent: -72pt;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Music finishes<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Bruce:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If you don’t know
David by now Nick you’ll never … wait for it… you’ll never ever know him at
all! (<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Polite groans</b>) Bruno! Over to
you first! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Bruno:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Nic-o-las! I am-a
so sorry for-a you! If you had been-a in-a Italy you-a would-a have-a been-a
completely going-a to-a the right! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Craig:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Daaarrrling! I
couldn’t have agreed more! It seems to me Nick that you can’t decide if you
need to direct to the left or to the right, and when you do one decides and the
other goes elsewhere. Your footwork is all over the place, and David the timing
of your decisions relates to events and not to the music!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Darcey:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yah! Totally! You
know! Whatever!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Craig:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A complete
dis-ar-star! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Len:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well it’s all
very good looking very pretty isn’t it but I could see no direction, no style, no
substance. Lots of fancy twirls and twists, but it’s not strictly dancing you
know. No chance of a SEV-ERN between the four of us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 72pt; text-indent: -72pt;">
<span lang="EN" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">David:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oh don’t bring
that … (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">fades</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-21238150358972937092013-03-01T08:20:00.001+00:002013-03-01T08:20:22.480+00:00Swedish AAA Meatballs!<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Another week, another no show of my scripts on Newsjack. There has been a lot of criticism directed at the programme for not really having unpublished writers; and in fact they admit as much themselves! Not always quality either! Judge for yourselves here: <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01qyrz9/Newsjack_Series_8_Episode_3/">http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01qyrz9/Newsjack_Series_8_Episode_3/</a> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Well the BBC's loss is my readership's gain I suppose!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;">Personally I think this is one of the tightest pieces I have done. Enjoy</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial;"> * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt; text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">AAA Rating Sketch<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The major economic news this week was of
course the downgrading of the UK’s credit rating from the blue chip AAA rating
to the lesser AA1 rating, which probably translates to tea and biscuits in
Cabinet meetings being bought from the essentials range rather than the luxury selection
at Harrod’s. But on a more serious note, how does the UK get back to the top
level of credit rating? Especially with a country like Sweden with a sixth of
our population and natural resources that seem to be based around pine forests
and elk farming holding the top rating. To help me answer these questions I
have with me the economist Professor Anna Svensson of the University of
Uppsala. Professor Svensson, welcome.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Anna:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">In well-spoken but ever so slightly
exaggerated Swedish accent</i>) Justin (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pause</i>)
Please call me Anna. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Thank you Anna. Now tell me on such limited
natural resources, how does Sweden sustain one of the best standards of living
in the Western world, and manage to fund full state pensions for all and allow
for a full years maternity and paternity leave for new parents. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Anna:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well.
(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pause</i>) Justin. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pause</i>) You mention my country’s natural resources but omitted our
supplies of iron ore, much of which is used to build those big, square cars
which seem to be so enamoured of your middle classes. Our pine forests we use
to supply much of Europe with self-assembly furniture named after Astrid
Lindgren characters. And the elk; (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pause</i>)
yes it is used in the food chain. Where do you think those Swedish meatballs
come from?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well at least it isn’t horse meat. But
those are all based on sales. What about when the markets contract. You do have
to import most of your fresh fruit and vegetables because of your poor soils
and short growing seasons. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Anna:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Ah!
The English education system’s obsession with the Vikings. They didn’t wear
horned helmets as you all think, but did come for food supplies. There may have
been some accidental slaughtering and pillaging, but that was all securely
invested. Can you imagine the compound interest since the eighth century?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So the strength of the Swedish economy is
based upon the wealth stolen from Anglo-Saxon monasteries. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Anna:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No!
(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pause</i>) There is much more! (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pause</i>) For example, have you seen the
cost of a pint of your English beer in a bar in Stockholm?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>£12! £12! The most expensive Stag party I
have ever attended!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Anna:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Also
the many millions of pounds that you spent on Sven-Goran Erikkson taking your
English football team to a succession of quarter finals were invested
immediately into our herring industry. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But surely one person’s cultural impact
doesn’t secure an entire nation’s economic well-being. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Anna:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Think
again Justin! Have you read the Millennium Trilogy!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I have. Along with twenty million other
people. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Anna:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And
no doubt you have heard the rumours of a fourth book on Stieg Larsson’s laptop
which his girlfriend has in a safe. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I have. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pause</i>) Where is this leading?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Anna:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There
are in fact another seventeen volumes in safe storage in the vaults of the
Royal Bank. To be released at six monthly in times of dire economic need. The
Girl Who Licked the Wombat’s Armpit. The Girl Who Played With Her Food. Not the
most inspiring of titles and not his best work I am sure but the franchise
effect will pay dividends. I myself am composing a book entitled Fifty Shades
of Sven, in which a young girl is compelled to construct a Smorgasbord for
every home game played by the national football team. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And if Mr Larsson’s work has lost its
appeal?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Anna:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Justin.
I can imagine your younger self dancing to the music of our greatest cultural
export, Abba!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I may in my youth have gyrated to Dancing
Queen.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt 108pt; text-indent: -108pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Anna:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Like
many people you probably believe that Agnetha Fältskog has been in self-imposed
seclusion for the last thirty years. Whereas in fact she and the Norwegian one
have been recording songs in secret for decades, in case our nation needs to
bail out some lesser economies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pause</i>) Such as your own. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I feel you have more to reveal to me.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Anna:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes!
If the world is on the brink of financial meltdown, we can call upon our brave
dwarves and elves who have been mining under the Skanderna Mountains for two
millennia, and have a supply of gold, rubies, emeralds and diamonds guarded by
a fearsome dragon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now you are just being silly!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Anna:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Justin
(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pause</i>) that was just our famous
Swedish sense of humour. We do have one other secret weapon though; known and
loved by millions who has been securing our financial stability for nearly
forty years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And that would be?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Swedish Chef:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Bir-de-bir-de-birr-de-bir-de-birr-bup-bup-bup!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Justin:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Professor Anna Svensson; thank you!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-64501077074269721872013-02-20T22:23:00.000+00:002013-02-20T22:23:59.336+00:00School Dinners Horse Race Sketch<br />
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> This was my submission to BBC Radio 4 Extra's Newsjack this week. I was fortunate to have tickets. And they didn't use it!! So for my loyal reader, Arthur in Cheltenham, I hope the scarring heals by the weekend.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Clare Balding: (<i>or at least a
sound-alike</i>) Welcome to Cheltenham for the 12:50 Race: the School Dinner
Stakes. A highly anticipated and controversial race after the hullabaloo of
recent weeks. What are the latest odds? Over to Tarquin Pompous-Overdresser!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Tarquin P-O: Thank you Clare; a woman with a body to die for.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Clare: And
I’m driving the hearse! Get on with it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Tarquin P-O: A lively filly no doubt! We have Lamb Kofta widely
fancied at eight to one. A lively little number: closely followed by Sausage
Casserole at tens and Turkey Twizzler at twelve to one. A couple of tasty
options there but for those with a fancy for the unknown we have Unspecified
Moulding at a most generous two hundred and fifty to one. Punters with long memories
will recall if they had a shilling or two on Foinavon. Popularly known as
Scragg End in his stables! The hardened hacks however are piling their pennies
on Shepherd’s Pie, best turned out horse in the paddock today with a £100 bonus
for his stable lad, young Oliver James. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Clare: Thanks
Tarquin! The runners and riders are at the tape. Peter O’Toolivan will run down
the start for us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Peter: (<i>well spoken, slightly strained voice</i>) Yes
Clare, Shepherd’s Pie looking splendid here at the start. Looking quite
imperious. Turkey Twizzler looking a little unsettled there, Lamb Kofta
alongside. The starter Major James Tightly-Belted-Raincoat is there on his
rostrum, the flag is raised and THEY’RE OFF!! Tucked in early on the rails is
Sausage Casserole. Just behind is Turkey Twizzler and one of the outsiders Beef
Lasagne. Beef Lasagne still holding his ground there, Lamb Kofta tucked in
behind as they approach the first fence. And they are all over. No! No! I was
mistaken there. A refusal! A refusal for Greasy Cheeseburger! No surprise there
he’s had few takers this season. The field keeping well tucked together here as
we cross the Melling Road for the first time as I hand over to Michael O’Herliherliherlihy.
<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Michael: (<i>In
excitable and highly stereotypical, slightly high-pitched Irish accent</i>)
Beef Lasagne taking over at the front there, Shepherd’s Pie still looking
comfortable, keeping out of trouble. Trailing a long way behind is Non-Meat Option,
looking very lonely over there on the far side. Coming up fast on the inside
there is Chilli Meatballs as we approach Becher’s for the first time. Chilli
Meatballs up, over, and stumbles on the other side and Chilli Meatballs all
over the place. Cottage Pie brought down with her there. Stable mate of
Shepherd’s Pie. Very difficult to tell them apart unless you’re a regular punter.
A couple more fallers there too. Lamb Kofta looking very heavy a few lengths
behind the field, dragging and sticking in the heavy ground. It’s over the
Melling Road again and back over to Peter O’Toolivan.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";">Peter: Non-Meat
Option has been withdrawn and we have four horses still in with a shout of
becoming steaks. Sorry, I meant wining the Stakes. Shepherd’s Pie still looking
very comfortable on the shoulder of Sausage Casserole. Turkey Twizzler and Beef
Lasagne in the centre of the course there running stride for stride as we
approach The Chair. Two loose horses running ahead of the field. Looks like
Glue Pot and Dog’s Breakfast who unseated their riders at Becher’s. Disaster
for Shepherd’s Pie. Dog’s Breakfast has pulled up in front and Shepherd’s Pie
is gone. Sausage Casserole goes with him, its chaos at the Chair! Beef Lasagne
and Turkey Twizzler are gone too and through the mayhem comes Unspecified
Moulding. There are no other horses running. Unspecified Moulding is the only
choice left, the two hundred and fifty to one outside. All he needs to do is to
keep upright over the last and the run in. His trainer had no real hope thinking
he was a little undercooked for this race, but what a story, an incredible
fairytale. It’s Foinavon all over again. The crowd are on their feet. It’s
unspecified Moulding who is going to win the School Dinner Stakes. Just the
last to go. He’s gone! He’s gone! Unspecified Moulding is a faller at the last!
He’s gone down!</span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -108pt;"> (</span><i style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -108pt;">SFX Profuse and Violent
Vomiting</i><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; text-indent: -108pt;">) No! He’s back up again! Unspecified Moulding is up and all over
the place but still going, staggering now but he’s over the line. The Winner of
the School Dinner Stakes! What a story!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"> <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-61626820549656879182012-12-26T09:12:00.003+00:002013-03-06T18:15:51.283+00:00Christmas Shopping Crisis<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jocasta has sent Horatio to get the Christmas food shopping from the classy supermarket one would expect. However not all goes to plan!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">+++++++++++++++</span></div>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Jocasta! Darling it's me! I can't get through the tunnel to the supermarket. There's been an accident. I could go the long way!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Horatio, don't do that it will take an age. Jonquil and Dido will be here in two hours, and they've got Uncle Rupert with them. He's 96 and not written his will yet. Worth a squillion, so we have to impress him! Where are you?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'On the road through that dreadful industrial estate!'</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'You are going to have to go into that big supermarket on the left.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'You mean the one the poor people go to! And the working classes!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'It does well enough for </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">that couple three doors down. They seem to find everything they need.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Those bloody teachers! Always got to be down with the people!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Well it's that or nothing Horatio, and if Christmas doesn't happen I will be making sure there is one little chipolata on a plate!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'OK darling, what ever you say, but keep in the phone. You are going to have to guide me through this one.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Go to the parent and child spaces. You have got Spartacus with you haven't you?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Oh yes he is in the back! Hang on though. There are some real ruffians there with buckets and sponges. What are they up to?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'They want to clean your windscreen for a ridiculous amount of money with dirty water that has been hanging around all day. Just walk past them!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Doing that darling. Oh they have the most ghastly Liverpudlian accents! I don't suppose they've seen a 4x4 where they come from unless it says 'Police' on the roof!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Keep your voice down Horatio! Unless you want your wheels stolen or something dreadful left on the back seat.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'I'm going in now. It looks like the fruit and vegetables are straight ahead. They have no kumquats! Can you believe no kumquats!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Well look for mandarins, or clementines! Something vaguely orange coloured!' </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Like this woman in the shell suit in front of me! I think I can see most of the vegetables. What is that Spartacus? You need a pooh? Not now please! Oh too late, but at least it might mask the smell of the great unwashed!' </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Head for the butchery aisle next. We need veal cutlets! And lamb shanks.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Excuse me my good man! Can you tell me where I might find the veal? It is meat. No it's young cow! Never mind! Lamb shanks? No. I am unfamiliar with 90s gangsta rappers myself. More of a Mozart man if you see how I'm hanging!' </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Try the frozen section if you get desperate!' </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'I'm heading to the drinks now. Oh Spartacus don't squirm! You are quite pungent aren't you. Have you been at mummy's lentil rissoles again? Is it unoaked Chardonnay or Sauvignon Blanc that Dido prefers?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Either! And some Chablis for Jonquil.'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'What's this? Blue Nun, Black Tower? We used to squirrel that away in the tuck box and hide it from matron. Do they still make that? Do you have Chablis? No I wouldn't like an orange WKD you pleb!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Plebian Horatio! Plebian! It sounds like a compliment!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Sorry! I wouldn't like an orange WKD you plebian! Yes it might be a Doctor Who monster!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'For heaven's sake Horatio! At least get some bread!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Is this square shaped stuff bread! I've never seen this before! Hot dog buns! Finger rolls! Darling I am at a loss here! Oh thank heavens there is that awful teacher couple! I will just have to act nice for a change! Speak to you from the car park!' </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Hello Darling! Me again. John and Lesley were most helpful!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Who?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'John and Lesley! The teachers from three doors down!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'James and Liz! I know we don't mix in their circle but at least try to get their names right!' </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'That's why they gave me funny looks. Thought it was Spartacus's deposits! They kept giggling as we were going around. He told me he knew that proletarians were those choux pastry balls with cream and chocolate. We don't give them enough credit! They really do have some class, despite what they do for a living! I had to substitute a few things off the list!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Do tell Horatio! This had better be good!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'There was no Bleu d'Auvergne, not even Camembert, but I've got these delightful soft cheeses in little triangles and something interesting in a tube!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Grissini?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'No! But apparently pickled onion Monster Munch is just as good!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Coffee? I must have my macchiato?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Own brand instant is all the rage it seems!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Pecan and Maple liqueur? Surely a Bailey's? At least I can disguise that with some cocoa and a dash of the Irish!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Apparently they do some great ones inside miniature chocolates!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Langoustines?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Breaded scampi!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Pistachios?'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Dry roasted peanuts!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Scallops nestled in Prosecco-infused couscous?' </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'<i>Fingres de poisson en pain blanc avec coulis des tomates </i>is something we must try!'</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Fishfinger sandwich in white bread with tomato ketchup is a dirty meal for dirty people! Now Horatio! I am going to read you five items from the list! You are going to tell me what you have instead! I may not be happy!'</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Go ahead!'</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Prosciutto, bruschetta, tapenade, prosecco, smoked eel!'</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Ah!'</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'I don't like the sound of that!'</span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0.882353); line-height: 22.100000381469727px;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Ham in a tin! With a magic key! Mighty White! Cheese and Ham Toast Toppers! Babycham! Tin of pilchards! Happy!' </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Horatio! Put it this way! Guest room for you until new year!'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-75481199542182169782012-12-23T13:53:00.001+00:002012-12-23T14:13:07.985+00:00When the Round Round Robin Comes Bob-Bob-Bobbing Along!<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">You know those awful self-indulgent and ego driven round robin letters that you get around this time of year? Don't you just hate them? </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If these people wanted their everyday tedium to be read they could take to Twitter.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><em>@anyonewhoisbotheredto read Taking the dog to be waxed today. Using the fur in a pin cushion. LOL!</em></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Here is my take on the phenomenon!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">*******************************************************************************************************</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Dear All!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Has it really been an entire circuit of the Sun since we last heard from each other! '<i>Tempus fugit</i>' as the Ancient Romans would have said!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What a year it has been! Our eldest, Persephone, has sat her GCSEs and has come out with 15 A* grades! Lithuanian, Macrame, Astrology and Herbalism will stand her in excellent stead for the future. All of Horatio's mother's doubts about taking the wrong baby home from the hospital are truly dispelled now. I think we can plan our retirement based on those grades, though she needs to get through college first.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">She brought her first proper boyfriend home too. 'This is Wombat!' she announced proudly. It is difficult to inform you of his hopes, as most communication appears to be grunted or garbled through slurps of Super Lager. Wombat does seem a little pretentious as a name, don't you think?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The twins, Araminta and Taramasalata, continue to thrive. 'Lively and unpredictable' it said in their school reports. Really those could have been their middle names (actually they're Tamarind and Tarquin) Being called into the Head's office to discuss them was the highlight of the academic year. Creative use of felt pens and paints on the plaster in the conveniences suggest we may have the successors to Banksie on our hands! So proud!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Spartacus is finally potty trained and almost off the breast, just in time for the Reception Class Nativity performance. A triumphant performance ensued, and he was certainly the best dressed shepherd, in Jocasta's kimono pyjamas and a Pashmina headdress. His control over the giraffe was awesome!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Imagine Horatio's surprise when Jocasta expressed a desire for a Brazilian downstairs! Imagine Jocasta's reaction at Horatio's misunderstanding! For the last two months the Dos Santos twins have been living in the old granny-flat. Esmerelda doubles as a Nanny to Spartacus and works literally for peanuts. Stefano is on the Chelsea F.C. Youth Team, and all his expenses are fully paid by the club. In fact burly and rough-hewn Russian gentlemen deliver manila envelopes of cash at strange hours of the night!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The twins had their wish for for a pair of Puggles granted in the Spring. Regular walks on the Heath are interrupted only by cries of 'Vajazzle! Prince Albert!'. Old Mr Pietowski had a shock though when he asked Jocasta to see her lovely Vajazzle. Still his injuries soon healed and the court action will expire with his repatriation!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">We had an enjoyable four weeks in the Tuscan Villa over the Summer. The roof finally went on at the end of August, and the running water will be connected next year. Seven years hard work are well worth it, and the children now have a truly rustic experience to add to their life stories. The external latrine provided genuine close family time and the Roman experience of a sponge soaked in vinegar will 'stick' in the memory, as well as 'stick' (literally) in one or two other places! Oh how we laughed!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Work still goes well. Jocasta's business has expanded in to the full range of lentil based products, and Horatio has survived all the financial crises that have come the bank's way. Being in charge means he can literally 'Pass the Buck!'.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well that's us for the year! Don't forget you can get in touch with us at horatiojcasta4ever@getsrightupyournose.com at any time.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Toodlepip! Ciao!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Jocasta, Horatio, Persephone (& Wombat), Araminta, Taramasalata & Spartacus</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-5919922884731326862012-12-20T22:16:00.002+00:002012-12-21T06:35:01.094+00:00Twelve For '12, Thirteen for '13<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b>A full year on Twitter; a good few months of blogging. This has been an eventful year for me in the cyber community and in real life. A few of my reflections and things I have learned and observed.</b></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><u>Twelve for '12</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. There are some quite wonderful, supportive, warm, thoughtful, sensitive, emotional, passionate talented and intelligent people from Leeds.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. There are some equally wonderful and intelligent people in Manchester, Birmingham, Blackpool, Bolton, Portsmouth, Southend, Surrey, North and South London, in various parts of the East and West Midlands, the North-East and in Scotland who listen to what others have to say and respond sensitively. Apologies if I have missed your geographical area!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. This year it is great to wave our own flag! We can reclaim it from the Far Right. Whatever you think of the Royals, Queenie has been on top form! British sporting success too; Wiggo, Murray, Mo, Jess, the cricketers in India, and even our football team not being criticised for going out in the quarter finals of the Euros! Plus, w</span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">e put on a great Olympics and Paralympics. Despite being awoken by shooting at the Royal Barracks and having to apply for permission to park outside my own house, what a great summer it was. Not only for TeamGB and ParalympicGB success, but for the way we welcomed the world. Sad to see stands and stadia gone, but we knew that in the first place. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. There has been a measure of justice at last for Stephen Lawrence and the Hillsborough families.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. Tweachers! You are supportive and receptive of other people's difficulties.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6. I can write!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7. My writing can make people laugh, cry, get angry, and generate response.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">8. My writing can get up some noses!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">9. My writing has brought me an audience I never expected. My work on 50 Shades and DVA has brought me followers in the feminist community. Your support has been hugely valuable and is much appreciated. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">10. Our performance of Les Miserables was fantastic. The girl who sang 'I Dreamed a Dream' moved the whole audience to tears. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">11. Kids love gardening. Five 50p packets of salad leaves had children staring at a raised bed for a term, desperate to try rocket and other offerings.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">12. I love my wife as much if not more than I did when we first met!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><u>Thirteen for '13</u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><b><u><br /></u></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. I would like to meet some of, if not all of, my wonderful Twitter friends. Not virtual but real friends I hope.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. Michael Gove will see sense, reverse his policy and join a Buddhist retreat. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. I will find more good value wine. Two euros for a bottle of Chianti in Italy. which wasn't rough or gave a hangover, was quite amazing. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. I want to read at least 20 books. Got close in 2012, but the Autumn was a tricky period. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. My writing will be discovered, beyond my amazing Twitter and blog audience, and hopefully by the BBC, to help them over the Savile scandal.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6. The mighty 'People's Club' will win some much deserved silverware after a long enough wait. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7. Anyone who has lied about or stitched up anybody else will pay the price for their actions. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">8. I will cook a new recipe at least twice a month and share it with my Twitter friends. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">9. Greater financial sense! Daughters to learn that first!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">10. My tomatoes and courgettes will not suffer the ravages of last summer. In past years they kept me going from June to November. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">11. Common sense will prevail in education. Heads and LEAs will stand up to the policies of the current Government and Stephen Twigg will wake up to what is happening and not Tweet about tea parties and the weather in his constituency.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">12. There will be positive action in Parliament to DVA. And the sales of 50 Shades and copycat books will plummet. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">13. We will all be in a happier place by this time next year!</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-14596442937288290742012-12-07T18:47:00.002+00:002012-12-16T18:42:03.037+00:00Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time?<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Christmas in school starts at some point in October if you are lucky, September if less so. The Nativity or other productions can take weeks of preparation, with lovingly made costumes and seemingly tenuous links to the reality of the Christmas tale. I heard this week of a child dressed as a giraffe in one stable scene. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Our most memorable play was remembered for all the wrong reasons though. For reasons unknown half of the children had to stand in the space where the dining tables were normally kept, a space about 40 feet long and 9 feet high. In a 90 minute performance that space became a sauna; supervising staff wore vest tops and even shorts in there. In the year in question, the first performance passed without a hitch, but night two was a different proposition altogether.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The night began with instrumental recitals. One nine year old violinist finished her piece, put down her violin, turned white and vomited profusely and violently all over the stage, some ending up in the Head's trouser turn ups!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The rest of the children had a further twenty minute wait while everything was cleaned up, and unbelievably the girl wanted to continue with the play. Whatever she had contracted though was virulent, as the events of the next hour would attest to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">From my position I was aware of a hubbub at the side. Next a child was led out and a pot of 'magic body spillage crystals' was sent for. A second, then a third child soon followed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Meanwhile the performance on stage continued, interrupted by retches, splats and splashes! Several of us went over to help out and the virus I swear was literally leaping from child to child. Children were being carried out, mops and buckets sent for and the unmistakable aroma of Dettol began to waft around the hall, barely masking the scent of, shall we say, a ripe Brie mixed with a strong Parmesan. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The time came for the class at the side to play their scene. One child came on, did his line, exited, threw up, and was replaced by another. Two of us were literally force feeding lines to children, checking their temperatures, then throwing them onto the stage. The eight children who should have played the whole scene never delivered all their lines. The class dance was not supposed to have children running down the steps or leaning off the stage into a bucket, but somehow they got to the end. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The audience barely reacted though, only realising at the end when all the children were on stage for their photographs, that there was a huge gap where their offspring should have been. The Head mentioned 'the unfortunate interruption' in his closing speech. One of the classes had a trip next day. Only six children turned up from that class, and barely a dozen from the other class. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What a performance!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-64140788547194381342012-12-04T22:45:00.001+00:002012-12-04T22:45:11.963+00:00Miserable Les!<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I love Les Miserables. Who doesn't with the truly inspirational and moving songs. It is a great book too, surprisingly fresh and funny for a text 150 years old. Great for a Year 6 Leavers' Assembly I thought, especially as I had some great singers.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This is the script for that performance. The title is taken from Terry Pratchett. The humour will make Victor Hugo turn in his grave. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Bring Him Home, Castle on a Cloud and especially I Dreamed a Dream brought many a tear to the eye. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Teachers, please feel free to use this in your schools. </span><br />
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<b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 16.5pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB; mso-font-kerning: 18.0pt;">Miserable Les</span></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">SCENE 1:
PRISON<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">A CHAIN
GANG enters and sings<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LOOK DOWN<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LOOK DOWN<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">OH,
PRISON LIFE IS DEAD!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">WE DON'T<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">HAVE
TOOLS<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">WE HAVE
TO MIME INSTEAD.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LOOK DOWN<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">AND GROAN<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MAKE
JERKY MOVEMENTS. RHYME.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">WHY CAN'T<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I TELL<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">WHAT
TOOLS THESE ARE I MIME?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Enter JARVIS.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS Now
bring me prisoner number 2468Ten.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES It
is Jarvis, who has pursued me relentlessly for years!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS Explain
yourself, 2468Ten!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt 91.5pt; text-indent: -91.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES I
am Les and for the entirety of this play and to fit with the parody I will be
miserable. I was imprisoned because I stole bread to feed my sister's baby,
both of whom we will never mention in this play ever again! So you see, I am the sympathetic character in
this play and was imprisoned unjustly!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt 91.5pt; text-indent: -91.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS And
you were imprisoned for five years for that!
And then fourteen more because you tried to run!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES Oh
how painful it is to live at this time of revolutions in France!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS Prisoner
2468Ten, you are free<span style="color: red;">.</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">Jarvis hands a piece of paper to Les<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES What
is this?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS It's
a piece of paper.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES Very
good. And…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt 91.5pt; text-indent: -91.5pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS You show it to
people who want to hire you, and this way they know you were a prisoner.
Hah-hah-hah! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">CHAIN
GANG 1 And what about us?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS That’s your lot! It’s all
dysentery and non-speaking parts for the rest of the play. (<i>exits</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">SCENE 2:
GINOLA’S YARD<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Les tries to find a job</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES Monsieur Ginola! Any
chance of a job. I’ll do anything!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GINOLA Yes,
I'll hire you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES Excellent. I'll just give you this piece of paper here--<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GINOLA You
have a piece of paper? I can't very well
hire you!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES Oh, ex-criminals in
France have it tough!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GINOLA You know, you could consider
just not giving me the paper.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES I cannot do that; it
would betray the same strong moral values that led me to illegally feed my sister
and her dead child. And I have to uphold
my strong moral values.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MME
GINOLA So moral you forgot you
weren’t going to mention that again! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES Oh yes! Silly me!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MME
GINOLA Why don’t you try the
Bishop? He’s a mug for any sob story!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">SCENE 3:
MONASTERY</span></i></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES So that’s my story. Just
wandering by and all my Euros lost in a banking crisis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">BISHOP What do you think Mrs Cantona?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MRS
CANTONA (<i>in dodgy French accent</i>) </span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt;">When ze seagulls follow ze trawler (<i>pause</i>) it's because zey think sardines
will be thrown into the sea</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES Pardon me, I don’t speak
fluent gibberish!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">BISHOP What the good lady means is
that you are not to be trusted.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES MOI! C’est incroyable!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MRS
CANTONA And that is one of the few
French phrases you will hear this morning. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">BISHOP I’ve thought this through!
Despite your outwardly rough appearance and the overwhelming smell of dung. I
have decided to offer you lodgings for the night. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MRS
CANTONA The man has lost his
marbles!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">BISHOP So here's the deal. I'm going to let you stay here in the monastery. Here's a delicious rack of lamb, and you get
to sleep in the ROOM OF PRECIOUS SILVER AND OTHER EXTRAVAGANT<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> EXAMPLES OF THE
CHURCH'S WEALTH. Bon-nuit!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Bishop and Mrs Cantona exit</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES Must
uphold strong moral values, must uphold strong moral values, must—Hey! Who am I
kidding? (<i>grabbing all of the silver</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Bishop and Mrs Cantona enter</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MRS
CANTONA POLICE!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Policeman enters</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POLICEMAN V</span><span lang="FR" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">ous sont arrêtés mon fils!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="FR" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">LES Eh ?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="FR" style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">POLICEMAN You’re
nicked my son !</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Enter a bunch of policemen in bunny slippers
and pyjamas</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POLICE
CHIEF Miserable Les, you're under
arrest for stealing the church!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES Stealing FROM the
Church.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POLICE
CHIEF I ask the questions here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES I didn't ask a question.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POLICE
CHIEF (<i>yawns</i>) Jean-Claude! Get me
my elaborate police chief hat!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JEAN-CLAUDE (<i>in
a ridiculous French accent</i>) At once my little cheesy potato crisp! (<i>enters with enormous hat</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POLICE
CHIEF Go ahead; tell his reverence
your story about how he gave this to you as a "gift".<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">BISHOP But I did give this as a
gift... I just forgot to give him these as well. (<i>hands him silver candlesticks</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POLICE
CHIEF What?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">BISHOP Yes, thank you for
apprehending him so I could--<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POLICE
CHIEF You said he stole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">BISHOP Well surely, can’t you see...?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POLICE
CHIEF Of course I can see, and stop
calling me Shirley<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POLICEMAN
#2 My wife was woken up at three in
the morning for this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POLICEMAN
#3 My poor consumptive French
children can't get back to their slumber!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POLICEMAN
#2 They may die before you return.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POLICEMAN
#3 As long as nobody dies on stage
from this hammy acting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">BISHOP AHEM!! But can’t you see, I
was teaching him a lesson<span style="color: red;">.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POLICE
CHIEF (<i>whilst beating self up</i>) STUPID ME! THIS MAN OF GOD.MAKING ME FEEL
MORALLY GUILTY AND WAKING ME UP IN THE MORNING!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Les escapes</i>.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES This meaningful incident has made me realize the error
of my ways. I'm going to start again, and
to prove it, I'm going to RIP UP THE PAPER that for NO REASON I decided to show
to every potential employer!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> PEASANT Ripping
up the paper is deeply symbolic somehow<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Les rips up paper over-dramatically</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ZIDANE I am Monsieur Zidane and I
just happen to be conveniently walking by. Hey there, you may smell of dung but
don't look like someone who has ever had any of that paper that former
prisoners have. Want to help me invent gold
from base metal?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES Why certainly Sir! Your
smart apparel leads me to consider this opportune!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ZIDANE Help me count out these
nuggets then. (<i>Counts out of bag</i>) 2-4-6-8-10<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES You know my number!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ZIDANE You are a prisoner, surely
that means I am the first in this play to die a dramatic yet meaningless death?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES If you insist. And stop
calling me Shirley.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ZIDANE That’s the second time that
has been done…. UUURRRGGGHHH!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES I think that this may be
a little worse than the loaf of bread, but wait, there is a convenient and
hitherto unmentioned abandoned mineshaft that no-one will look in for at least
100 years- I will dispose of the body there!
And now to the FUTURE!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">SCENE 4:
THE FUTURE</span></i></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">WORKER 1: But not really the future, just
ahead ten years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POOR
PERSON 1 Life is tough! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">POOR PERSON
2 Working in a factory in France in the
nineteenth century is hard<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Sings AT THE END OF THE DAY</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">FANTINE I'm ready for my yearly wage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">FOREMAN Here's your wage, minus your
"not letting me kiss you" penalty.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">FANTINE No, please give me the money! I need it to feed my daughter who I sent away
because I hate children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">FOREMAN What? You have a kid? You're fired!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">FANTINE Oh well! No other jobs in the
universe. Better take up begging. Or
teaching!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MLLE
NASTY I was once an OFSTED
inspector! Now I am reduced to this!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">FANTINE Oh, what a cautionary tale!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> (<i>sings I DREAMED A DREAM</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Suddenly and slowly a cart runs over Henri</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">HENRI Help! I got run over by this very slow moving cart!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS That is bad acting and highly
improbable!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES:
I have completely abandoned my former life of lying and thieving, and somehow
become the mayor<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MME HENRI Help Mr Mayor, save my husband. From
being slowly crushed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES I'll save you!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS Wow, I don't know anybody who can convince nobody that
they're struggling to lift a cardboard cart like that...EXCEPT FOR MISERABLE LES!
But we're about to execute a Les that we just caught. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES You can't execute LES,
because LES... IS ME! (opens shirt, reveals that it says 2468Ten)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> IT'S MY PRISONER
TATTOO!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS Is that finger paint?!?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">HENRI Quick Mr Mayor RUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS I will get you one day Les!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">SCENE 5:
HOSPITAL.<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">FANTINE (<i>dying</i>) Oh Cosette, come here and let your crazy blind mother take
care of you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES She's not here. You're delusional because of the nasty
disease!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">FANTINE TB or not TB that is the
question.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES We never really
specify. It seems to be the same disease
that kills all the important characters this far into the play<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">FANTINE Who are you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES I'm the man who looked
on while my morally corrupt Foreman fired you, and then did nothing when you
caught that disease that will cause you to die in about thirty seconds.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">FANTINE Oh! (<i>pause</i>) Will you raise my child? (<i>dies</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Enter Jarvis</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS Les at last!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES Now I liked Fantine, but I don’t like you. But which
is better. There’s only one way to find out. FIGHT!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS Bring it on!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>They fight in a very hammy way without
actually making contact)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">SCENE 6:
OUTSIDE THE INN IN ANOTHER TOWN<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARCEL: So we are here in another
equally poor part of France.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THIERRY: Yes we are poor, but are we happy?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ETIENNE: No
we are not, but for the purposes of this play we will appear to be the jolly
paupers with enough to buy us a few drinks at the inn.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARCEL: Wait a minute. Where’s Harry? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THIERRY: Come on Harry!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ETIENNE: There he is! Hurry up Harry! Come on! We’re
going down the pub!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">SCENE 7: HOUSE
OF THERNARDIER<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Cosette sings CASTLE ON A CLOUD</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MME. T Cosette,
I'm so glad we've enslaved you to keep you down in the cellar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ETIENNE: Hahahaha!
Don’t you just love Monsieur and Madame Tena-Lady?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THERNARDIER Here you go sir. I've created this dinner for you which,
though you're not aware of it, includes ingredients like cat spit, and curious
short curly hair!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">HARRY: What a lovable landlord you
are Monsieur Tena-Lady<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THERNARDIER: It’s TEN-ARE-DEE-AY, not Tena-Lady.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MME T: I wish I wasn't fat and that
I had married a man who wasn’t so foul.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARCEL: I just want to take the
Tena-Ladies home with me!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MME T: It’s TEN-ARE-DEE-AY, not
Tena-Lady<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Sing MASTER OF THE HOUSE</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: I have a million sous.
Worth more than the euro. Give me Cosette.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THERNARDIERS: Sure stranger, do whatever you want.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: Cosette, now you're my
daughter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">COSETTE: Yay! Scruffy stranger, I love you immediately!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">SCENE 8: PARIS<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS: And suddenly we have jumped
ten years into the future and I am still chasing Les over that loaf of bread.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GAVROCHE: `Ello govnah! I'm a plucky li'il street urchin, so b'sure
to fall `n luv wit m' now audience b'fuh I get blewn t'bits! Blimey!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS: Are you going to keep up that
ridiculous wotchagorblimey Mary Poppins accent?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GAVROCHE: Sorry darling I was still in role
from Oliver!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">EPONINE: <i>(to audience )</i>I love Marius!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARIUS: <i>(to audience) </i>I know but I never respond and pretend I don't
notice. <i>(Cosette walks by)</i> I love
that girl that just walked by!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">COSETTE: <i>(to audience) </i>I love Marius, and am in torment about abandoning my
elderly father for him!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: <i>(to audience) </i>I'm elderly now!
But I still can lift my own weight!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: <i>(to
audience) </i>I'm Enjolras! Try
pronouncing my name! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">VICTOR: Enjoy rollers?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">HUGO: Engineer rails?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: SEE!
VICTOR AND HUGO YOU CAN'T DO IT! Join with me to fight the enemy who we
never see for a cause I don’t fully understand. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">VICTOR: Hooray! Allez les bleus! La
plume de ma tante et dans le jardin! Le souris est dans le chat!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">HUGO: Better that than see a
classic story ripped to shreds!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARIUS: Wait, now I'm tormented about
whether to fight in a rebellion that I haven't quite yet figured out, or to
chase after that girl I just saw that suddenly I'm in love with!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">COSETTE: My name is Cosette!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARIUS: Oh it's so embarrassing; I don't
even know your name!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">COSETTE: Cosette!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARIUS: Will I EVER learn her name?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">COSETTE: Buffoon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: Get serious, Marius, its wartime,
and General Lamarque is dead.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARIUS: Lamwhat?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: You haven't heard of
him and we won't bother explaining, but put faith in the fact that it's vitally
important to the rest of the plot and the reason I will die...Come sing a
wartime song with us now.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Sing CAN YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS:
Another to celebrate our
inevitable demise. (<i>singing</i>) RED!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GANG: THE COLOR OF SOME BLOOD!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS BLACK!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GANG: THE COLOR OF NOT WHITE!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: RED!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GANG: THE COLOR OF... SOME... TOMATOES?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: (<i>despondent</i>)
Black.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GANG: THE COLOR OF... UMM...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">STUDENT
#1: Charcoal?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">STUDENT
#2: Graphite from a pencil?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">STUDENT
#3: Liquorice?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: Never mind for tomorrow we will die
awful, gruesome, and ultimately pointless deaths!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Everyone comes out on stage and yells at the
top of their lungs</i>).<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: TOMORROW IS IMPENDING!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; margin-bottom: 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: TOMORROW HAS MEANINGFUL MEANING!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS: ONE MORE DAY TILL REVOLUTION, I WILL NIP IT IN THE BUD, I WILL JOIN
THESE LITTLE SCHOOLBOYS.THEY WILL WET THEMSELVES!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">EPONINE: THERE ONCE WAS A GUY I LIKED A
LOT EXCEPT HE DIDN'T LIKE ME BACK AND I CRIED<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">I WISH
THAT HE HAD LIKED ME AND THAT IS WHY YOU SYMPATHIZEWITH ME, EPONINE, WHEN I’M
SHOT.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">SCENE 10:
BACK AT THE BARRICADE THE NEXT DAY.<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS: What's up guys! I'm so totally all about your decision to overthrow
the government. Can I join your awesome club?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">VICTOR: Well we DO need somebody to
find out their attacks and the like.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: (<i>pointing
at Jarvis</i>) Yeah, we can trust him, he's old!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GAVROCHE: You can't trust him... He's INSPECTOR
JARVIS in disguise!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: Who?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GAVROCHE: The BAD GUY! Haven’t you been paying attention?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: Oh.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">HUGO: We can't trust old men...So
who's going to execute him?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Les enters</i>.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: (<i>pointing
at Les</i>) We can trust HIM! He's OLD!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Suddenly Eponine runs over the barricade and
is shot</i>!)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">EPONINE: Marius! I died so I could give you a letter from
Cosette!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARIUS: You poor pathetic waif. (<i>It suddenly starts to rain</i>) Now I’ve got
to protect you from the rain.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">EPONINE Forget the rain I’m DYING.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARIUS Oh, poor Eponine— too late,
she’s dead. And the rain has stopped. OK, so who wants a drink?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> (<i>flings Eponine's body to the ground</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: Yes, as your leader-ish person, I
command EVERYBODY to go out the night before a big battle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GAVROCHE: I can’t because I'm underage.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: Are you old enough to loot dead
bodies for ammo?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GAVROCHE: Yes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: Climb!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Gavroche climbs across the barricade but,
just as Eponine was, is shot. Enter his many little friends</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JEAN: Gavroche! Gav--(<i>is
shot</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">PAUL: Oh no, how could--(<i>is shot</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">GEORGES: My poor friends are dying!--(<i>is shot</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">RINGO: </span><span lang="FR" style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-ansi-language: FR;">Voici le sang des martyrs</span><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">--(<i>is shot</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Lots of little children appear onstage. A torrid bloodbath ensues. It is terrifying. Everybody keeps fighting</i>.)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: I'm going to let you go, Jarvis.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS: I have a gun. I've spent my entire life chasing you<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: Just go away.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS: Here I am running away across
the barricades. Of course, I am not shot
because I am not one of the children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">ENJOLRAS: Comrades, avenge the deaths of les
petits.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Gun battle in which all except Les and
Marius are shot</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: (<i>looking at an almost-dead Marius</i>) This
is the boy who is in love with my fake daughter. I ought to save him with my
super old man strength! Down to the sewers, which are healthier in 1832 than up
here, and smell better. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">SCENE 11:
PARIS'S FAMOUS SEWERS</span></i></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: I am really tired now so
will put down the body of Marius, and fall asleep for plot reasons.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THERNARDIER:
(<i>entering,
taking a gold tooth from a dead body</i>) It is not explained how I am here. I
like to steal gold from corpses! And let’s have the ring from this young fellow.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">RAT: Hey... Weren't you the
funny character?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THERNARDIER: I used to be. It got used up after the loss of Cosette and
wasting all those sous which were worth less than a pile of horse manure.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">RAT: But you used to serve
croton de cheval on your menu, that’s horse manure! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THERNARDIER: People would come from miles around to
taste my croton de cheval. Finest in the district.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">RAT: You're still not funny
anymore Monsieur Tena-Lady<span style="color: red;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THERNARDIER: It’s TEN-ARE-DEE-AY, not Tena-Lady. Oops
he’s not dead; better scarper before I’m caught.<span style="color: red;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: Better get going again but I can’t sing with this fat
lump on my back so I will sing with him on the ground<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>sings BRING HIM HOME</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: The smell is getting worse
now; it must be the fresh Parisian air outside. Let’s just squeeze through here
and …<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS: Les we meet again; another
coincidence in another part of France over 30 years.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: Oh just go away! I’ve let
you go once.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS: Les who I casually pursued
around France for a few years has spared my life. Definitely a<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> very good reason
for jumping off this bridge. (<i>jumps</i>) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> (<i>He spins around a little bit while standing,
then dives into the floor</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: I always thought he was
in Seine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">JARVIS: Not at all predictable! BLUB!
BLUB! BLUB!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">SCENE 12:
A HOUSE IN PARIS.<o:p></o:p></span></i></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARIUS: This play is too short but let's
take a moment to remember some people I never bothered to get to know in the
first place.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>singing</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THERE ARE
CHAIRS AND THERE ARE TABLES<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THEY ARE
MADE OF LOTS OF WOOD<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">NOW MY
FRIENDS ARE NOT ALIVE NOW<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THAT IS
BAD, NO IT'S NOT GOOD.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">SCENE 13:
WEDDING</span></i></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARIUS: Cosette and I are getting
married with all of our closest friends here. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">COSETTE: Yes, somehow I have friends even though
I just moved there and all of Marius's friends died.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>enter the Thernardiers in a pair of hideous
outfits</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MME.
T: We
haven't changed at all as characters.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THERNARDIER: I haven't even aged half of what Les has
in the same time!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MME. T: Sh! Distract the dead-alive friends while I steal
this expensive silverware and hide it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">COSETTE: It’s the Thernardiers!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">THERNARDIER: Its TENA-LADY not THERNARDIER.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MME T: (<i>slaps husband- silv4e plate falls out</i>) OOPS! Au revoir.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b><i><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">SCENE 14:
ANOTHER HOUSE IN PARIS</span></i></b><span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: I am dying, so the play
must be ending right? They can't very
well go on forever.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> (<i>lights a pair of candles</i>) I will just
light these candles and wait to die. (<i>pause-
10 seconds</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> It may take a while.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">FANTINE: (<i>a ghost</i>) Hello Les.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: Hello, crazy blind lady! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">FANTINE: It was the flu.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">EPONINE: (<i>also a ghost</i>) Hello Les<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: Wait, who are you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">EPONINE: Eponine.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: Who?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">EPONINE: Right, we never met. How awkward that God chose me to guide you to
the next world.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">FANTINE: We're here to take you off to
Heaven.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: About time too. My
children who abandoned me better show up soon to hear my whole life story all
over again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">COSETTE: Father, I haven't seen you in
years but we suddenly figured out where you were a few minutes before you die!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARIUS: Your father wanted me to
pretend I didn't know where he was.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">COSETTE: But why, Papa?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: Now, I have a story to
tell you about a man who stole a loaf of bread, and in that time, learned a
very difficult lesson and that is the whole story in one line. And now I am
dying.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARIUS: I forgot about the bread- but
why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: I’m going.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">COSETTE: Please father, don't die!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">LES: Still here! No! Hang on!
Urgh! (<i>dies</i>)...<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;"> (<i>gets taken to heaven by Fantine and Eponine</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">COSETTE: Oh father! (<i>cries</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">MARIUS: That’s ok because suddenly,
every dead character will show up to sing the final song. And you and I are the
only ones in all of France who didn't die!
How depressing.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-GB;">(<i>Final song: CAN YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING)</i><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-28797616251638707202012-12-01T23:20:00.003+00:002012-12-01T23:20:41.995+00:00Did you buy that tree? <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The first Christmas Trees have appeared in the front windows of houses in my road today. We leave ours until after our eldest daughter's birthday on 6th December, so there was always a clear break for her between her birthday and Christmas. We always choose our tree as a family.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">However a few years ago, I came home from the weekly shopping trip on Saturday morning with my youngest daughter, then aged four, who excitedly called out 'Daddy! There's a tree!'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sure enough, wedged in the front porch was the said article; wedged being the operative word as it was a fifteen foot monster! We normally have a six or seven foot specimen. My wife had no idea that it had been delivered. After dismissing the possibility that either of us or my mother-in-law had ordered it, close examination revealed a torn label, with only the first half of our street name on, and the number 13, our neighbours. They however were as much in the dark as we were. Closer examination of the label made us suspect that the 1 was actually a 7, so up the hill we went, tree dragging behind, to number 73, where Mr and Mrs Khan thanked us for our concern but assured us that they didn't mark the festive season. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">All agreed that we had a stroke of luck, but there wasn't even a delivery note to refer to. The tree was here to stay, though if it did the top third would be bent at a right angle and traversing half of the living room ceiling. If we had been able to get it in the door in the first place; the lower branches were over 12 feet across! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Out came the saw from the little used DIY box, not an area of great expertise, followed by an hour of huffing and puffing, lots of sweat and a sore arm (STOP THAT!! RIGHT NOW!!) to remove three layers of branches and a three foot length of stump. Just narrow enough to fit through the door now, it still touched the ceiling in its stand and I had to carry my youngest up the stepladder for her tradition of putting the star on top. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Such was the size of the tree that we didn't have enough decorations to cover it, so on Sunday I was dispatched to buy more. My wife looked very sheepish when I got back. Two burly neanderthals had knocked on the door while I was out.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'Did we leave a Christmas tree here yesterday?' </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">'No! I don't believe you did! My husband is out buying ours now.' My wife is not a convincing liar. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This confused them. The sawdust from the previous day's effort still coated the path, several branches and the stump protruded from the green bin. The offending tree, slightly askew and lights ablaze sat proudly in the front window for all to see!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The torn label explained it all. It was meant for number 73, but in an avenue in leafy Blackheath which shared the first half of our road's name, where it would have adorned a double height Victorian hallway. Our six footer would have been totally out of place there. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As it was, even after my pruning, the television was still out of view from half the room, and I was still finding needles well into the following Spring. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hoping this year that Majestic or Ocado get confused with their deliveries. </span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-47999176663368652172012-11-29T08:25:00.002+00:002012-11-29T08:25:37.501+00:00MRS P BUYS A MOBILE PHONE!<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Last year a long serving and famously technophobic memebr of staff retired.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">This sketch was performed by my class as a gentle tribute to those fondly remembered 'skills'. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. T:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now Mrs. P, now that you are in charge you must have a mobile phone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr. R:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes! You never know when there might be an emergency.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"></span><span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Don’t be so silly! What kind of emergency might there be?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss D:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Help! Emergency! A class trip is stuck in the Blackwall Tunnel and they are going to be three hours late.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I see what you mean. What would you recommend Mr. R?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr. R:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well I’ve got a Blackberry on Orange.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Am I going to a phone shop or to the greengrocer’s shop?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. T:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You could get something by Apple!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Don’t you start! Now where to start. There are some many different phone shops. Let’s try this one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phones 4 U:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hello madam and welcome to Phones 4U? (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Does actions</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>What on earth is wrong with you? Are you having a convulsion or are you making those rude hand signals? I don’t think I want to buy a phone from you young man.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phones 4 U: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Suit yourself.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This looks better. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">C Warehouse:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Can I help you madam? Welcome to the Carphone Warehouse.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Carphone? Do I have to stay in the car to use the phone? Isn’t that illegal?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">C Warehouse:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No madam, only if you are driving. You can use your mobile phone anywhere these days.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Anywhere? Is the wire long enough?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">C Warehouse: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No no madam. All mobile phones are wireless these days?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You seem to be confused. I would like a mobile phone, not a radio young man. Never mind I will try elsewhere.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Orange:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hello madam and welcome to the Orange shop.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now I’ve said this already, I don’t want any fruit, I am here for a mobile phone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Orange: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Can I recommend the i-phone?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I think you mean my phone, not i-phone. You young people have such shocking grammar.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Orange:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No madam! It has all the features you might need. Music too.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Music? Can I play my gramophone records on it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Orange: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Gram-o-phone? Rec-ords? No, never heard of them. You can send a text.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Text. What is that?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Orange: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You type in a message and send it to someone?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Isn’t it quicker to write to them?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Orange:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No this goes in seconds, and it even has a spell check to correct your spellings?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I hope you are not suggesting I can’t spell young man. That would be most rude. Let me try somewhere else.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">3 store:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Welcome to the 3 store madam.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now I’ve said this already, I don’t to buy a number; I am here for a mobile phone.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">3 store:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Well this one has all the latest features. Bluetooth.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Bluetooth! You need to brush twice a day.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">3 store:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Video and camera.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>On this tiny thing. Well I never?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">3 store:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Games.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No I don’t have my PE kit today.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">3 store:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Internet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now I remember when computers were so large they filled an entire room and were run on gas.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">3 store:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Clock and alarm.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I do have a watch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">3 store: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Twitter.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oh dear that young man seems to be making bird noises. He is not very helpful at all. What am I going to do?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Market trader:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Mobile phones get your mobile phones ‘ere. Cheapest by far.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You are my last hope. I want a mobile phone. No games, no internet, no radio, no text, no fruit, no blue teeth, no music, and certainly no twits. I just want to be able to speak on it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Market trader: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Just give me a minute madam; I have the perfect thing around the back. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Disappears- returns</i>). Here we are madam, the answer to all your problems. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Gets out baked bean tins on string</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs. P:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Perfect. Hello, hello, can you hear me?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-28208143025850542392012-11-12T07:52:00.002+00:002012-11-12T07:52:53.623+00:00T’ Four Yorkshire Teachers Sketch<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">My fellow teachers will appreciate the sentiments in this piece. Hopefully my other followers will too.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wrote this a few weeks ago and sent it to the BBC for consideration on the 'Newsjack' programme on Radio 4 Extra. They didn't use it. I suspect they might have been busy with something else. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">I expect to hear the staffrooms of the UK awash with dodgy Northern accents. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This piece already has a 100% approval rating in Yorkshire. Thank you Natalie, that is much appreciated. </span><br />
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Hutton:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>End of t’ school day! There is something magical about seeing all those little kiddies with smiles on their faces, rushing out to their mams and dads isn’t there Mr Boycott. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Boycott:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Aye Mr Hutton. That and t’ looks of abject horror on t’ parents faces when they see all the reading, and times tables, and words in French, parlez-vous Francais, that they have to learn by the end of t’ week.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Hutton:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I asked mine to learn ‘clairvoyant’.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Boycott:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>They didn’t see that one coming. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Hutton:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I’m just making a brew. Would you like one?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Boycott:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Aye Mr Hutton. Best drink of t’ day! Very gracious of you! I said very gracious of you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs Close:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And if you’re doing a pot, don’t forget me and Miss Trueman.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Hutton:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Will do Mrs Close, will do!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Boycott:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>You’re looking glum lass! What’s bothering ye?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Trueman:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It’s this article in t’ Education News. If I want a pay rise I’m going to have to work extra hours.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs Close:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Fair play lass! You don’t get owt for nowt in this game. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Trueman:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I know that Mrs Close, but I’m already working 21 hours a day and paying t’ Head teacher for t’ privilege. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Hutton:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I was reading that we are only going to get more cash if t’ results improve. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs Close:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Not a problem Mr Hutton. I haven’t got any more of those level 3s in my class this year!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Boycott:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>What have ye done with them? Locked them in t’ cupboards like t’ last time?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs Close:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No! I’ve moved them?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Trueman:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Moved them! What on earth do you mean?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs Close:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Not actually physically moved them per se! My youngest son Richard the third (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pause</i>) of my children is a genius on t ‘interweb. He hacked int’ t’ database of t’ local authority and gave them all a new post code. They’ve all had to leave, and all get bussed of to Manchester!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Hutton:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Best place for them I say! I said best place for them. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Boycott:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>But your class is full Mrs Close. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs Close:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Aye Mr Boycott it is. Of level 5 children. Our Richard hacked t’ details of t’ posh school up t’ road. All those kids from t’ private estate at top of hill have got to come here now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs Trueman:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You mean with t’ dads who speak like William Hague and t’ mums who sound like Dame Judi Dench. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs Close:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That’s them pet. All in my class now. Boosting standards and meeting targets. My pay rise is in t’ bag lass. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Hutton:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You’re a canny one Mrs Close! I said you’re a canny one! Wouldn’t you agree Mr Boycott?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Boycott:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Aye you’re right there Mr Hutton. Is that why we haven’t been turned into an academy yet?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Trueman:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Has teaching always been like this Mr Hutton?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Hutton:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No lass! I remember when we didn’t have to set a target for t’ number of times a child used the –oo- sound in a book.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Boycott:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That’s nothing! I recall when there wasn’t a National Curriculum and we could teach whatever we wanted. I remember teaching nothing but the works of The Brontes and Alan Bennett for a whole year. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs Close:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>In them days I would keep a field trip on t’ moors for two weeks without a worry for risk assessments or Health and Safety. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Hutton:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>In a tent!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Hutton:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You were lucky! I once re-enacted t’ Battle of Marston Moor on the playground in a force 9 gale, in full battle dress and with replica weaponry.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Boycott:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Me too. Battle of Wakefield! Wooden replicas? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Boycott:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Luxury! We had original axe heads! And a pot of glue to stick t’kids ears back on!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mrs Close:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Right! I remember when I could get in here at 9 o’clock just as t’ kids were arriving, have a fag in t’ staffroom, meet t’ inspectors for a pie, a pint and a game of darts, not fear for your job, give t’ kids a clip round t’ ear for being cheeky, just give a big tick for your marking, and go home at the same time as your class. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Hutton:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Aye! Them were the days!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Mr Boycott: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span lang="EN" style="color: black; font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-ansi-language: EN;">And you try and tell the young teachers of today that ..... they won't believe you.</span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-13475610981858757502012-10-24T16:35:00.001+01:002012-12-12T16:09:32.433+00:00Fifty Word Stories<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I blogged about this before. Fifty words for a story is a challenge for adult writers, particularly if the rule is that no words can be repeated. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">My writers club after school today were challenged to suggest a character, a setting and an object. They chose 'Charlie', the woods and a sword, all of which had to feature in their work.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">This is the piece we came up with together, editing the pronouns and articles so that they didn't repeat.</span><br />
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<em><span style="font-family: Arial;">Fossil Woods stood tall, dark and brooding. Something snuffled through the undergrowth searching more in hope than expectation for hidden treasure. Suddenly a glint caught his eye, then snagged Charlie's paw. Sir Brian would be pleased! He had found, after several years of trying, Excalibur; King Arthur's almighty, powerful sword.</span></em><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">This is the best independent effort from the children.</span><br />
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<em><span style="font-family: Arial;">He staggered sluggishly up California's creepy sidewalk on Devon Avenue. Shimmering brightly in the Sun, a copper Caspian made sword lay in front of the neighbours' house. Mum stopped outside shouting 'Have you packed for the trip?' Charlie hated camping. He raised the weapon, and struck his mother down dead.</span></em><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">They said it was the hardest thing they had ever written. However they could do 300 words with little difficulty!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial;">Have a go yourself!</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-7581583883402469212012-10-13T15:34:00.002+01:002012-10-13T15:36:53.782+01:00The Hundred Year Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Have you ever had that conversation that begins 'Can you recommend one of those Swedish novels we always see you reading?' or 'I want to get into Nordic Noir that you're always talking about'? No? Me neither actually. Regular readers will have seen my Fifty Shades Parodies, and will know that I am fighting a solo battle to bring good literature into my staffroom.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Nonetheless I have a great Swedish novel to recommend to those with such inclination. The Hundred Year Old Man Who Climbed Out of the Window and Disappeared, is the first novel by Jonas Jonasson.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What a title! Jonasson came up with the title first and fitted the story around it, an unusual writing approach, but one that produced something quite unique.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There are books that whilst reading and reach the last hundred pages, you think 'thank heavens this is nearly over'. Equally there are books which everyone seems to be reading, on the tube, passed around the 'ballet mums', those that hang around in the top 50 for months, only to re-emerge some time later when the sequel or the film/television adaptation comes out. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">For this book however I was disappointed to reach the last 100 pages, as I realised that my thorough laugh-out-loud enjoyment was about to end. It is the kind of book that I encounter perhaps once a year, that I have to tell people about and want to share. Last year incidentally it was The Breaking of Eggs by Jim Powell. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Allan Karlson is One Hundred Years old on the first page of the book, in his room at the old peoples' home, waiting for a party that he has no wish to attend, so he does what is says on the tin, and leaves wearing his carpet slippers. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">What unfolds is a tale of death, gangsters, a hopeless police manhunt, and a cast of unlikely characters who bond through the combination of their personal circumstances and the most fantastical turns of fortune. One man dies twice, once in a freezer in the depths of a Swedish forest, secondly at the hands of an incompetent suicide bomber in Djibouti. Don't ask: it needs to be read to be believed. Then there is the elephant whom Allan befriends, and which is involved in one death by sitting down and in another in which the victim isn't actually dead, though the mechanics of stopping a truck with a four and a half ton elephant in it should have rendered this a certainty. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">With me so far? Probably not.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Interwoven with this is Allan's past story, and here the fantasy goes into overdrive. The significance of him being one hundred years old means that he has lived through the crucial events of the Twentieth Century. As an explosive expert, he blows up his own house. Twice. This leads to spells in a mental institution, and on his escape to the Spanish Civil War, where he inadvertently saves the life of General Franco. Subsequent events take him to China where he befriends Mao, thence onto an encounter with Churchill, before events conspire to send him to Los Alamos where in serving coffee to Oppenheimer he reveals the secret that enables The Bomb to be built. Getting drunk with Harry Truman, encountering Stalin, seven years in the Gulag only to burn down Vladivostok, escaping via war torn Korea with his new best friend, Einstein's illegitimate younger brother. You couldn't make it up, but Jonasson did and it certainly works.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">A work of complete fantasy, but one of the funniest books I have read for a very long time, and one I would certainly recommend. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is being filmed too, in Swedish, starring Robert Gustafsson, 'the funniest man in Sweden', but of course you knew that already. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">So if you would like something different in your Christmas book list this year, this is the book for you. Njuta av läsning!</span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-73784144823698730142012-10-06T21:20:00.000+01:002012-10-06T21:20:40.590+01:00Fifty Shades of Middle Class<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This morning's 'Times' has a feature in the 'Weekend' section entitled 'The new middle-class top 50: How many can you tick?'</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Well the answer in my case was four- Jamie Oliver, Chorizo, Fish Fingers, and Dinner parties in the kitchen. On one occasion all four were involved thanks to the presence of small children. Dinner parties have to be in the kitchen; that's where our dining table is.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">This was however a very 'North London' list: anyone who was at the University of Warwick in the 1980s like me will know what I mean by that. This was where I first heard of Camden Market, clothes from charity shops and kumquat and aubergine risotto. As teachers we are in an archetypal middle class occupation, yet my wife and I both come from working class roots. What defines class? Profession, money, aspiration, expectation?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Of course lists like this are tongue-in-cheek and not meant to be followed or taken seriously. Or are they. There were no prawn sandwich munchers on the terraces in the 1980s, yet in the 90s people who never would have dreamt about setting foot in a football stadium did so in their droves, helping to change the face of a game once described as working class ballet.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Sorry to 'The Times' but your list is pretentious waffle. This is my own tongue-in-cheek 50 step guide to being middle-class, SE7 style!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">1. Don't follow how to be middle-class guides in the papers! You don't need to be told what to do.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">2. My eldest daughter, then aged 8, asking for balsamic vinegar on her chips.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">3. My youngest daughter, then 5, knowing to dip bread into olive oil and vinegar on holiday in Spain.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">4. Growing my own vegetables in the front garden.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">5. Having a herb bed just for our guinea pigs.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">6. Growing my own salad on the window ledge. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">7. Making my own chicken stock.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">8. Making my own soup- no Covent Garden soups in this house.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">9. Watching sub-titled films for genuine enjoyment.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">10. Watching Nordic Noir TV not because it's trendy to do so, but because it's actually very good.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">11. Not reading books because everyone else is: Fifty Shades? Oh please! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">12. Not reading the books that are seen to be trendy: I hated Life of Pi, Captain Corelli, Wolf Hall, and barely tolerated the Da Vinci Code. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">13. Reading what I genuinely enjoy, and not being told what to read. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">14. Making my own sushi.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">15. Making my own tapas. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">16. Choosing not to watch the X-factor- not because it's ironic, but because it is just exploitative. And crap!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">17. Having the neighbours round to watch Strictly Come Dancing. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">18. Being in awe of the dancers on SCD- and having two left feet!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">19. Asking advice from the chef in restaurants. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">20. Listening to good wine advice in the off-license. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">21. Going on holiday to places we want to go, not because everyone else is. We do remote- Orkney, Donegal, Western Isles. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">22. Realising the Sky+ box is full of programmes from BBC4.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">23. Other favourite channels: Sky Arts, Film 4.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">24. Realising my wife has more male friends than female friends.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">25. Realising I have more female friends than male friends.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">26. Taking our children to our gay friends' civil partnership ceremony. Got up the noses of my 'Christian' colleagues.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">27. Not blaming bad behaviour on ADHD. It's bad parenting or the children are little sods!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">28. Supporting the local football club. Though a lifelong fan of 'The People's Club', thats's Everton for the uninitiated, Charlton Athletic are a superb community club and having seen them in the Championship and League One shows there is decent football outside the Premier League.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">29. Growing my own cut flowers.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">30. Tweeting Monty Don and showing off that my tomato crop was better than his this year. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">31. Growing my own Christmas Tree. Planted seeds when first married. Might be ready for our Golden Anniversary. Currently a foot tall!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">32. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The dishwasher being blocked by an olive pip. Honest!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">33. Unwittingly being the most ardent feminist at school.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">34. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Drinking real ales, not because it's trendy, but because they actually taste very good.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">35. Looking at the meat percentage in sausages- the lowest I have found is 9%.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">36. Coming up with increasingly more elaborate stories for the unsolicited phone calls 'He will be back later. Who am I? His wife's toyboy lover?' : 'You bastards! How insensitive can you be? You can't speak to my wife, she left me last week!'</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">37. Pissing off the Jehovah's Witnesses- wife at door, me from kitchen 'Darling! Can you come back here please; I need you to hold the goat still before I slaughter it and daub the children with its blood. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">38. Buying a two euro bottle of Chianti on holiday in Italy on the advice of the locals and finding it was far better than the £12 bottle from M&S we bought when we came back. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">39. Being proud of my Northern roots.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">40. Being able to turn on Northern accent because being told off in a Northern accent is actually far more effective than a 'refined' one. Imagine 'bastard' with a flat /a/ rather than an /ar/ sound. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">41. Breeding own guinea pigs! Accidentally! Started with two, ended with 14! Daphne now Dizzee! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">42. Not being one of those people whose voice and opinion you just have to hear wherever you are; and whose voice grates; as if they have been the only person in the world to have had a baby, lost a job, been lied about, been lied to, been let down, been shopping, been on holiday. Bloody shut up! Sorry ranting!!!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">43. </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Being a loyal husband and </span><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">having a loyal and loving wife. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">44. Being a loyal friend.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">45. Being a trusted colleague.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">46. Being a good parent. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">47. Not putting up with anyone else's ego or bullshit. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">48. Being me! And not what anyone else wants me to be! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">49. Spending too much time on Twitter!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">50. Blogging!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Hooray!! 50/50! I win! Actually I don't! Class doesn't mean social standing, whether you can do wonderful things with courgettes or taramasalata, or how popular you are with friends. It means decency, loyalty, honesty, friendship, not putting yourself before others, having a sense of humour, seeing the best in life and in every opportunity that comes your way. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Discuss!!</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-31154484141576882192012-10-04T13:00:00.000+01:002012-10-04T13:06:08.291+01:00Doctor Who and the Mystery of the Missing Homework<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I wrote this for my class as their Leavers Assembly in 2011 and its sat on my USB stick ever since.</span> <span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Any teachers out there, feel free to use it with your class. If you know Steven Moffat, can you direct him this way; I wouldn't mind having a go at a full episode!</span><br />
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe is late for school and comes huffing and puffing up the path and steps<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Rowley:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And what time do you call this!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Sorry that I’m late. You see…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Rowley:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Late! Late!! You are three months late! I suppose you have a note.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I do as a matter of fact (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pulls dog eared and battered note from pocket)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Rowley:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Reading</i>) Dear Miss Rowley. Please excuse Phoebe for her lateness as she has been stuck in a time warp and battling aliens. Do you seriously expect me to believe this rubbish?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes Miss!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Rowley: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And I suppose your homework is delayed because you were fighting malevolent species from another dimension too?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Funny you should say that but ……<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Rowley:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Enough of that already! Well since you have been away we have a change of teaching assistant. Give your excuses to her.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Dalek: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">From off stage</i>) A pathetic excuse for your homework. You will be exterminated!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oh no! Not again!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor Who Music<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor1:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Pond! Pond!! Where are you Pond? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Amy: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! Help!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor1:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Are you stuck on that Sudoku again? Hang on, I feel a bit funny?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Collapses rolls around and regenerates</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There it goes again! Now let’s have a look! Fashion sense good! Still not ginger! Still not a girl! Fantastic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor? Is that you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes yes! Time for a little tidy up I thought! Now you got something to tell me!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes Doctor! Another breach in the fabric of the space and time continuum I’m afraid.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Ah that old chestnut! Do you like Marmite?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Neither do I, can’t stand the stuff. Good for fixing the old TARDIS circuit breakers though. Lovely glutinous quality. Now where are we?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It seems we are on Earth in the year 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Looking out of the door</i>) It’s a pretty ugly looking crowd out there!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No you still have those goggles from the planet Seigob where the whole population was green and slimy and looked like, well let’s not go there. Take them off, they look harmless.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Let me be the judge of that (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Examining one of teachers</i>) Just as I thought. Not a sign of any intelligent life. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Examining another</i>) In fact the scan indicates nothing in the cranial cavity whatsoever.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That’s a real no brainer! Ha-ha!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now. Rory. Let me make one thing clear. I do the jokes around here. Now what’s through here? (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Exits- re-enter as Doctor 3</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor3:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There it goes again! Now let’s have a look! Fashion sense good! Still not ginger! Still not a girl! Fantastic.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor? Is that you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor3:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes yes! Time for a little tidy up I thought! Now you got something to tell me!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes Doctor! Another breach in the fabric of the space and time continuum I’m afraid.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor3:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Ah that old chestnut! Do you like Marmite?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor3:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Neither do I, can’t stand the stuff. Good for fixing the old TARDIS circuit breakers though. Lovely glutinous quality. Now where are we?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Am I having a sense of déjà-vu?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor3:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No, I just think you have seen all this before.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Meanwhile- elsewhere in the school</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Towles:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It’s that Phoebe again Miss Rowley. No homework again for the 47<sup>th</sup> time this term and we’ve only been back for four weeks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Rowley:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And what is her excuse this time? The dog ate it; it fell into the barbecue; lost it behind the fridge; passed out at the smell of her brothers socks and was in a coma all weekend?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Towles:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No. She was just reading it when she was hit by a meteorite, and as she woke up she found Darth Vader running away with it and throwing it into a Black Hole.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Rowley:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>If that girl put as much effort into her work as her excuses, she would be a genius! There she is get her!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oh no! They are going to catch me. Why don’t I hide in that Police Box?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">looks in and out of the door in confusion</i>) Have I been drinking too much Sunny D or something but I swear that this box is bigger on the inside than the outside.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor3: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Quite simple my girl. TARDIS, Time And Relative Dimensions In Space. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>What does that mean?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It means it is bigger on the inside than the outside?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oh. Will it help with my homework?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor3: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Homework. Home-<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u>work. Home</u></b>- work.Working at home. Not as such. How about moving through the cosmos at unperceivable, possibly illegal and as yet uninvented speed work? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Anything to get me out of detention.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor3: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hop on board. Plenty of room for a little one! No offence!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Amy:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! Help!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor3:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It’s that handle on the side. Press it down and you will hear a rushing sound. On second thoughts I had better do it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Exits. Sound of flush. Re-enters as Doctor4</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor? Is that you?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor4:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes yes! Hang on, twice is funny three times is pushing your luck.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Thumps on the door</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Towles:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Come on Phoebe! I know you are in there?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oh quick!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor4: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hang on; this may be a bit bumpy!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">TARDIS sound effects. All wave arms around and stagger about to show flight of TARDIS</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Where are we?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The scanner says Tenochtitlan 1521 AD.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Techy-tocky-lammy! The Aztecs. I have to find out how they sacrificed their victims. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Looks out</i>) Oh dear- you do not want to go out there!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor4:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No! But you know the way it works, we always do!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Moctezuma: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hail gods from the East. It is foretold that Quetzalcoatl would appear in the Year of the Jaguars Armpit. Welcome.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor4: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes. Hi! Look bit of advice, red is not really your colour on the floor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">High Priest:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This is the sign of the sacrifice to your great self. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Moctezuma:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Many have come and given their heart and their life blood in your name.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">High Priest:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And we see you have brought a victim yourself. Attendants, prepare her for the ritual.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Three Cybermen march in</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Cyberman1: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You will be assimilated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Cyberman2: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Resistance is futile.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Cyberman3: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Orders are to be obeyed without question.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Do you know my teacher?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Cyberman1:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Seize the victim.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Amy:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! Help!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This is fantastic for my homework.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Cyberman2: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The sacrificial victim is ready oh Emperor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Moctezuma: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Splendid. Now all we need to do is cut out her heart and leave it to be eaten by the great eagle.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Amy:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! Help!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">High Priest: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Attendants! Ready!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Cybermen: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Ready! Resistance is futile.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">High Priest: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Then take out her heart!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Cyberman3: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Heart! What is heart? Does not compute. Confused, confused! Stressed!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor4: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Rory quick. This is our moment. Impart some temporary changes to the temporal lobes.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Eh!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor4: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Knock them on the head!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oh! Look- the Spanish! (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Cybermen turn together- knocks them out)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor4: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now everyone quick back to the TARDIS.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Everyone runs to the TARDIS and escapes</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor4: <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Oh no it’s happening again! (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Collapse and regenerate</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor5: <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Ooh! I feel a bit funny. Not ginger! Still good looking! But what’s this. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Who is that woman?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory: <span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>It is the Doctor. This happens every so often.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>But how is he now a she?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor5: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A technical, galactical, biological and illogical conundrum my dear boy. Now where to?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory: <span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>London 1598.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>We have landed with a bit of a squelch.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor5: <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Careful with what you tread in out there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That’s the Globe Theatre. We have done something on Shakespeare. And it looks like there is a play on. It’s only a penny.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor5: <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>I have some Gallifreyan Globbets!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory: <span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>Rub them in the dirt. No-one will notice. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Stage Manager: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Good evening! Today’s performance will be delayed for one hour because we have new actors learning their lines today.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Crowd: <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Boo! Get off! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Shakespeare:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Now come on it’s quite simple<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Dalek1: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>To be or not to be that is the question. That is not a question. It is a statement. For that you should be exterminated.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Shakespeare: <span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>And if you exterminate me you have no way home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Dalek2: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Good point. How about this one? A horse, a horse my Kingdom for a horse. If you do not provide me with a horse you will be exterminated. Bow down in the name of Dalek Supremacy.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Shakespeare: <span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>It doesn’t really scan very well. Try this.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Dalek1:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">When shall we three meet again?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In thunder, lightening, or in rain?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Dalek2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">When the hurly-burly's done, when the battle's lost and won.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Dalek3:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">That will be ere the set of sun.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Dalek1:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Where the place?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Dalek2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Upon Gallifrey.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">Dalek3:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">There to meet with the Doctor.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif'; mso-bidi-font-weight: bold;">All Daleks:<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></span><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">And to exterminate him!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Shakespeare: <span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>No! This won’t work at all. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Dalek3:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We are the ultimate killing machine. How about something with some fighting in it?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Shakespeare:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I have just the perfect thing Romeo and Juliet.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Dalek1: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Urgh! Not all that kissing and stuff.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Shakespeare:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No the opening is just up your street. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Meanwhile</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor5: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Definitely getting a sense of something not quite right here. I suspect the Daleks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hmmm. Well it couldn't get any worse I suppose. There is a bloke at the back talking to some compost bins.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Ooh what’s that!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Do wobbly arms motion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sarah- Jane and K9 appear.<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor5:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Sarah-Jane Smith of all the people. How did you end up here?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Sarah-Jane:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! It is you. I would recognise your face anywhere? All 11 of them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>How did she get here?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor5:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>What we have here, is a classic case of the Daleks trying to cause a massive rift in the space time continuum. They have latched on to uncertainty and fear and have exploited it to cause an emergency temporal shift dispersing people across time. We must stop this or the contradiction in space time could result in the termination of all reality as we know it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I have no idea what you're on about. In English please?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Sarah-Jane has time travelled and so have the actors. If we don’t solve this the world will end.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">(Open mouthed. Gulps) </i>Right. I think I liked it better with the sci-fi jargon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Shakespeare:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Ah you must be our additional players. Quick learn this. We have an ugly crowd out there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor5: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That’s the second time today. Now be careful people. They look like Daleks to me.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?<br /><br />Dalek2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>I do bite my thumb, sir.<br /><br />Sarah-Jane:<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?<br /><br />Dalek3:<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>No, sir, I do not bite my thumb at you, sir, but I bite my thumb, sir. No<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>sir I have no thumbs sir so Iwill exterminate you sir!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Amy:<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>Doctor! Help!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor5:<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Go for the eye stalks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Roryand Phoebe disable Dalek1. K9 moves next to Dalek2</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Dalek2: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>This filthy canine has wet me. Short circuit! Warning! Warning! (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Explodes</i>) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Dalek3: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Revenge! Revenge! Exterminate the Doctor! (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Shoots Doctor who collapses</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Assistants:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! Noooooooooooooo!!! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">ALL SING SOMEONE LIKE YOU</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor6:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>What a lovely song! Okay, no time to lose… Let's get into the TARDIS now!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Step into TARDIS and play TARDIS sound effect<o:p></o:p></span></i></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Sarah-Jane: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That was a close one!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>How did you survive that? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor6:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Two hearts you see. Jelly baby? (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Eats one chokes, collapses and regenerates</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor7:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>See I am virtually indestructible. But don’t tell anyone about choking on a jelly baby. I have a reputation to keep up. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Why do all these things keep happening?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor7:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Scanning with sonic screwdriver</i>) Well the scan would indicate an indolence consequential to deficiency in domestic assignment termination.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Come again!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>He means you are a lazy little toad who never completes her homework properly.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Sarah-Jane: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So all these things are down to you. Because you didn’t do your homework properly the whole fabric of time and space has split.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I know I should have listened to my school master.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Meanwhile at the side</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There is only one Master he should be listening to. As should everyone else. Hahahahahahaha!!!! Isn’t that right Ernie?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Ernie:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes Master! Hahahahahahaha!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Little do they know that this is part of a giant game and I am gathering all the planets of the Galaxy into one place using my knowledge of gravitational attraction to threaten them with destruction if my demands are not met.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Ernie:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>At least you did your homework! Hahahahahahaha!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I will allow you that little joke but next time I will crush you like the gravity of Jupiter if you try to be funny again.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Ernie:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes Master!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hahahahahahaha!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Ernie:<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Gulps</i>) Hahahahahahaha!!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master: <span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Let’s see how they enjoy the island of Crete.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Back on the TARDIS</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor7: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Rory where are we now!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Crete 345BC. The palace of King Minos.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The Minotaur. There is a Labyrinth of tunnels under the palace and a gruesome monster! Worse than the PPA teacher in my class!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Sarah-Jane:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That must be truly hideous!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor7: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>As bad as this? (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Changes into Doctor8</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Sarah-Jane:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Not bad but not as cute as David Tennant!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Quick someone is coming. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">King Minos:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Ah! The latest victims from King Aegeus! More meals for my brutal creature.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor8:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Has he eaten school dinners! His breath smells really bad!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">King Minos:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Only those brave enough can survive the labyrinth. No-one has so far. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And if we go in....<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We face certain death.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Sarah-Jane:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Just to make that clear!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Amy:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! Help!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory, Phoebe, <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Sarah-Jane: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Amy! Shut up!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor8: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now do we split up and become snacks for the beast or stay together and be one main course!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">King Minos:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I tried to make him eat some hummus and he said!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor8:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">King Minos:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Then I tried to make him eat some feta cheese and he said!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No, no?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">King Minos: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So then I tried to make him eat a kebab and he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor8 and assistants:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No, no, no!! (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Start dancing badly</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">King Minos:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Not funny!! Now get down there before I poke you with Poseidon’s trident. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It is very dark. What does the screwdriver show?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor8:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Let me just look around this corner.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Exits stage re-enters as Doctor9</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor9:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Really very important that you do not shut your eyes?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Sarah-Jane:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Why?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Angel1:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>HISS!!! <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A statue! What is scary about that? (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Angel moves closer and scarier</i>) AAAAAARRRGH!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I remember. Don’t make eye contact and don’t blink. Otherwise we become one of them.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Angel2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>HISS!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor9:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Not looking! Not looking!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Sarah-Jane: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Round this corner. Very carefully. Amy watch out!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Amy:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! Help!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Angel3:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>HISS!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor9:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now everyone listen to me! I may not be very handsome but this is your best option. If you don’t listen you won’t.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Won’t learn. Yeah I know the drill.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor9: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No! Won’t live! You will turn to stone. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Doctor, assistants and Angels move around Labyrinth- angels freeze every time they are seen)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Amy:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! Help!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Amy:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! Help!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Amy:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! Help!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor9: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Enough of this! Follow me everyone! Do as I do?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Everytime they bump into angel all pull an angel pose- angels run off one by one</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor9:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>See! Quite simple really. Just don’t turn away from them after you see one. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Turns away turns back as an angel appears- turns to stone</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor10:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Just as well I was here then! Now where is this Beast? Nothing nasty in here.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rose: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You hadn’t reckoned on me! Five years I have been here waiting for you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor10:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Ah! Rose! Yes! I can explain! Temporal timeshift.Wobbly windshafts. Dodgy dodecahedrons!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rose: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Don’t bother. You are here now. If we just follow this cotton thread we can be back at the TARDIS to solve the series climax.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And finish my homework.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Back to the TARDIS</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor10:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Where now Rory?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>South East London about 10:30 July 22<sup>nd</sup> 2011.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor10:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Oh no it’s happening again!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dramatic collapse roll around and regeneration</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor11:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No more of that surely! The Master is hatching the rest of his Master plan.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Meanwhile</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Victim:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Please! No! AAAAAAARGH!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That will teach her to complain about the sausages on the school meal menu! What does she expect? Meat?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Ernie:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hur-hur-hur!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Headless Monk1:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Saturn is waiting outside.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Headless Monk 2: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Gallifrey will be delivered soon.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Headless Monk 1: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And here is the Earth, just as you ordered.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Excellent! Soon the whole of the Universe will be at my command otherwise I will play intergalactic snooker with the planets.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Ernie:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You could say you had the whole world in your hands<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Burstinto Chorus of The Whole World in his Hands</i>)<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Stop that! It’s far too jolly for an evil genius! Ernie summon my army!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Ernie:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Servants of the Master! Enter to his bidding.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">March on- Cybermen, Daleks, Weeping Angels, Headless Monks</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Who do you obey?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Army:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>You Master!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>How do you obey?<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Army:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Without question.<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Why do you obey?<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Army:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We were born this way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Dance to Born this Way</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Meanwhile</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rose:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! What do we do now? (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hurled about</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Sarah-Jane:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I think we need some extra help. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hurled about</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Amy:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! Help! (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hurled about</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor11:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I don’t think the old girl will stand any more.(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hurled about</i>) She has been through as much as me. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hurled about</i>) We need a miracle (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hurled about- then stop</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">River Song:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hello Sweetie!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor11:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>River Song. Right time, wrong place as usual! Now you can fly this thing as well as me. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">River Song:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I can but it is too late. I am only here because of the Master and his great forces. Look. All the planets are in the sky.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor11:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No room to squeeze a space cruiser through. Hang on! What now (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Hurled about-TARDIS lands in the Master’s HQ</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Seize the Doctor!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Cybermen:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We will obey!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Daleks:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Exterminate the enemy!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Headless Monks: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The Master will be the Master of<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rose: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! What about us?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor11:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Don’t worry about a thing. I’ve got a plan.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Rory: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>He hasn’t got a plan.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">River Song:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>He says he has a plan, but he will make it up as he goes along.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Enough of this nonsense. Now look at my Master plan. It has a certain <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">je ne sais quoi</i>, don’t you think?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I don’t know what you mean!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Precisely. Ignorant earthlings know nothing before the power and glory of the true supreme being. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Ernie:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Shall I line them up for destruction now!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Would that make you feel good?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Ernie:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>It would indeed.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Then organise it.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Ernie:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Line them up in front of the Daleks. (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Lined up</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Daleks:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Exterminate! Exterminate!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">All assistants:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctor! Help!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">The Master:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The Doctor! Where is the Doctor? Who is the Doctor?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor1:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I’m the Doctor!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor2:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No I’m the Doctor!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor3:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No I’m the Doctor!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor4:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No I’m the Doctor!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor5:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No I’m the Doctor!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor6:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No I’m the Doctor!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor7:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No I’m the Doctor!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor8:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No I’m the Doctor!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor9:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No I’m the Doctor!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor10:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No I’m the Doctor!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor11:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Actually we are all the Doctor!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">All assistants:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Doctors! Help!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctors:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>We are here! Never fear!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Zap all the enemy with sonic screwdrivers- capture all including the Master</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Assistants:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Hooray!!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Thank heavens for that, but my teacher is more frightening than any Dalek. Can you get me back in time to get my homework in?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Doctor11:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>With eleven of us to fly the TARDIS we will do what we can.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">TARDIS sound effects. All wave arms around and stagger about to show flight of TARDIS- land and Phoebe staggers out</i>)<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Rowley:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And what time do you call this!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Sorry that I’m late. You see…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Rowley:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Late! Late!! You are three months late! I suppose you have a note.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I do as a matter of fact (<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">pulls dog eared and battered note from pocket)<o:p></o:p></i></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Rowley:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>(<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Reading</i>) Dear MissRowley. Please excuse Phoebe for her lateness as she has been stuck in a time warp and battling aliens. Do you seriously expect me to believe this rubbish?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Yes Miss!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Rowley: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>And I suppose your homework is delayed because you were fighting malevolent species from another dimension too?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Phoebe: <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>No- it’s all here. But you realise what you have taught us some strange facts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';">Miss Rowley:<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Phoebe! Don’t you ever change?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB" style="font-family: 'Arial','sans-serif';"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-67811123901846538562012-09-03T18:35:00.002+01:002012-09-03T18:35:36.051+01:00The Barge
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">This work originated from the need to have a story containing a flashback to a previous event; could you suggest a short story with one in. So with necessity being the mother of invention, this tale emerged.</span> <br />
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></u></b> </div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span></u></b> </div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><u><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Barge<o:p></o:p></span></u></b></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I stared at the
canal. An empty, barren expanse of bank lay opposite; an oily film interrupted
by the movement of a duck sat like a stained bedspread on the water. All was
calm now, the only sound being the gentle lap of the water on the bank below my
feet. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In front of me
though was the barge. The ‘Sally-Anne’ was like a floating dustcart. The hatch
on deck was an old stacking palette, the portholes covered either in scrap
plywood or old refuse bags. Green paint, faded, peeled and flaked, coated the
lower part of the hull. Bright red paint supposedly lay below the waterline,
but the colour of the water left this as anyone’s guess now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I walked away, I
ignored the splash of a fish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Without
warning I was grabbed by the ankle. I tried to jump forward but succeeded only
in falling face first into the muddy grass. I struggled to stand, but whatever
had grabbed me continued to pull. I snatched desperately at a tussock of grass,
but I could not hold on. I dug my free foot into the ground, but ended up only
spinning to the left.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With an almighty
heave I pushed my weight forward, just as a greater force pulled back and I
crashed like a thrashing trout into the murky depths.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gasping for breath
as I briefly surfaced, I thought I saw a face staring from the porthole at the
bow of the ‘Sally-Anne’. Where had I seen this before? No chance to answer as I
was dragged below once more, something gripping both ankles now and the last
breath escaping from my tortured body. Next, as I thought my time was up, I saw
the same face in the water beside me. The old man, shouting for help beneath
the murk.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I woke in a cold
sweat. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>2:17 am.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The seventeenth time
I had had the same nightmare.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Tyler…,” I said to
myself, “this is all your doing.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Six days before, on
the way home from school, Tyler and I had stopped by the shops. “If you are as
hard as you say you are, you will come with me to the canal,” he announced.
Tyler was not the sort of boy you ever refused an invitation from. He was the
first boy at school with an earring, first with a tattoo, first to shoplift, or
so he said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At the canal, there
was a pile of gravel from the building site. I absentmindedly picked up a
handful and flung it into the water, splashing like a flock of sparrows taking
off. “Not like that soft lad!” Tyler shouted, “This is how we treat the
nutter!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He scooped the
gravel into two handfuls, hurled it into the air, and it crashed down onto the
deck of the ‘Sally-Anne’. “Loony! Nutter! Mental-case! Come out and do that
dance for us!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A shuffle and a
grumble emerged from below the deck. I had never even thought that someone
could be there, even Stig of the Dump! Slowly a face emerged from the palette
hatch. It was like an old walnut, topped by wisps of white hair.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Gerrouawit! Gerrouawit!”
squealed the walnut.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Loony! Nutter! Do
your dance! Do your samba!” Tyler yelled, whilst laughing like a hyena on
laughing gas. The old man emerged onto the deck, as Tyler threw more gravel.
The old man span around yelling “Gerrouawit! Yarrooligans!” at the sky as much
as at us.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tyler hurled more
gravel, and I did the same, until it happened. As he was spinning, the old man
stepped on some gravel. Time slowed as he twisted in the air, like a geriatric
ballerina. He shouted something incoherent as he sailed over the deck, before
splashing with a colossal belly flop into the canal. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Tyler! Leggit!” I
shouted as I turned and ran for home quicker than I had ever moved before. I
burst through my bedroom door, collapsed on the bed and sobbed for an hour or
more, my heart thumping like a pneumatic hammer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two days later, the
local free paper dropped through the letterbox. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The headline read,
“WORLD WAR II VETERAN FOUND DROWNED IN CANAL” <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I read on. “Police
identified the body of George Clegg, aged 93, who fought in Italy in the
closing stages of the war, after it was found in the canal near his narrow boat
home. They say there are no suspicious circumstances, and no-one is being
sought in connection with his death. It is believed that he slipped on gravel
in the deck of his boat, as he was a well known hoarder of a range of
materials.”</span></div>
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</div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had got away with
it. Or had I?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-41206279416598629052012-08-14T18:50:00.003+01:002012-08-14T18:50:34.010+01:00Fifty Word Stories: Not a Hint of Grey!And now for something a bit more normal. <br />
<br />
With the children in my class we often do this task- write a story in 50 words exactly. It is quite a challenge because every word has to count and pull its weight. And to include a beginning, middle and end too is hard work. We have been successful in the last two years at having several published in a writing competition across London and the South East. <br />
<br />
This is my effort. I got a round of applause from the children. <br />
<br />
Have a go at writing one yourself<br />
<br />
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">New York. September 11<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">th</span></sup> 2001. We all know what
happened on that day. Somewhere in the smouldering ruins of the World Trade
Centre were the remains of a leather bound book which contained the secrets to
world peace and everlasting harmony. Whatever happened to it? Nobody will ever
know now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-34143270299109996892012-08-14T17:40:00.000+01:002012-08-28T06:38:05.141+01:00Fifty Shades of One: Because Royals do too!<div style="text-align: center;">
The last in a trilogy of parodies. For the moment! </div>
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++<br />
<br />
The Princess dialled the well worn number. He answered. His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel… or something like that anyway. <br />
<br />
'You rang m'lady!' <br />
<br />
She shivered in anticipation then felt the colour in her cheeks rising again. 'One must be the colour of that beastly communist manifesto,' she muttered to herself. <br />
<br />
'Yes I did,' she replied. 'I need you to drive the carriage into the palace. come around the back would you.'<br />
<br />
His refined but slow witted brain struggled to compute if this was a bizarre request or a cunningly disguised double entendre. <br />
<br />
Not for her the rugged good looks and rough hewn bravado of the gardener. He was like a statue, not roughly hewn from rock, but carved tenderly from the finest Italian marble; Michelangelo’s David had nothing on him!<br />
<br />
'I will be there presently ma'am' <br />
<br />
Within moments, the door echoed to the knock from his silken gloved hands. <br />
<br />
'Good evening Mr Bond!'<br />
<br />
'Good evening' replied, acting part of another of their adventures. <br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">He stared into her eyes, and she held his anxious, burning gaze for a moment; or maybe forever, but eventually her attention was drawn to his beautiful mouth.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><strong><strong><br /></strong></strong></span><span style="font-size: small;">She kissed him passionately, forcing his lips apart with her tongue, taking no prisoners.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">She was all rabbit/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake… and he knew exactly what he was doing. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;">W</span><span style="font-size: small;">hen it was over, she turned to him and said 'You are without a doubt the most beautiful man on the planet, too beautiful for the common people below, too beautiful for me.’</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"></span><span style="font-size: small;">‘No man is an island' he mused, ' although I'm going to rule this one one day!'</span>Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4433705017213261795.post-37721572035879152032012-07-23T19:14:00.000+01:002012-07-23T19:14:30.746+01:00Fifty Shades of GreenFergal O'Flaherty, a rough hewn beast of a man, and a native of Cork City, pealed of his shirt, exposing a vest, and with a flick of his head tossed his mane of strawberry blonde hair down his back. A day of honest toil on the site and rewarded him with a wad of Euros in his back pocket, and a longing desire for several pints of the Black Stuff.<br />
<br />
The doors of The King's Arms were wide open on this warm evening, lasciviously welcoming this Son of Gael like a spiritual home. <br />
<br />
'A pint of Guinness for me; and whatever you're having my darling!' he added with impeccably accurate use of the semi-colon, demonstrating the relative strength of Irish Literary tradition to that of their former oppressor. <br />
<br />
'I'll have an Archers with a dash of Aftershock, thanks!' Aiymiei the barmaid replied, with all the class that her Sarf-East Landan accent afforded. <br />
<br />
Fergal slid lasciviously onto the barstool with all the subtlety of a snake, which of course there were none of in Ireland, as St Patrick had driven then out, so his terms of reference were sketchy at best. This mattered little to Aiymiei, whose GSCE in Beauty Therapy had not contained an element of Celtic History that particular year. <br />
<br />
Several rounds later, Fergal stood as firm as the Rock of Cashel, but Aiymiei was a little worse for wear, having vomited profusely into the half empty crisp boxes behind the bar. <br />
<br />
Touchingly removing the last specks of puke from the corners of her mouth, Fergal leant over the bar, and whispered suggestively into her ear 'Have you got any Irish in you!'<br />
<br />
'Me babe! Naaaaahhhh!!'<br />
<br />
'Would you like some?'<br />
<br />
'Oh you smooth talking bastard! Bring it on!' she announced, before passing out. <br />
<br />
'Result!'Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00257654079106721656noreply@blogger.com0