Last year a long serving and famously technophobic memebr of staff retired.
This sketch was performed by my class as a gentle tribute to those fondly remembered 'skills'.
Mrs. T: Now Mrs. P, now that you are in charge you must have a mobile phone.
Mr. R: Yes! You never know when there might be an emergency.
Mrs. P: Don’t be so silly! What kind of emergency might there be?
Miss D: Help! Emergency! A class trip is stuck in the Blackwall Tunnel and they are going to be three hours late.
Mrs. P: I see what you mean. What would you recommend Mr. R?
Mr. R: Well I’ve got a Blackberry on Orange.
Mrs. P: Am I going to a phone shop or to the greengrocer’s shop?
Mrs. T: You could get something by Apple!
Mrs. P: Don’t you start! Now where to start. There are some many different phone shops. Let’s try this one.
Phones 4 U: Hello madam and welcome to Phones 4U? (Does actions)
Mrs. P: What on earth is wrong with you? Are you having a convulsion or are you making those rude hand signals? I don’t think I want to buy a phone from you young man.
Phones 4 U: Suit yourself.
Mrs. P: This looks better.
C Warehouse: Can I help you madam? Welcome to the Carphone Warehouse.
Mrs. P: Carphone? Do I have to stay in the car to use the phone? Isn’t that illegal?
C Warehouse: No madam, only if you are driving. You can use your mobile phone anywhere these days.
Mrs. P: Anywhere? Is the wire long enough?
C Warehouse: No no madam. All mobile phones are wireless these days?
Mrs. P: You seem to be confused. I would like a mobile phone, not a radio young man. Never mind I will try elsewhere.
Orange: Hello madam and welcome to the Orange shop.
Mrs. P: Now I’ve said this already, I don’t want any fruit, I am here for a mobile phone.
Orange: Can I recommend the i-phone?
Mrs. P: I think you mean my phone, not i-phone. You young people have such shocking grammar.
Orange: No madam! It has all the features you might need. Music too.
Mrs. P: Music? Can I play my gramophone records on it?
Orange: Gram-o-phone? Rec-ords? No, never heard of them. You can send a text.
Mrs. P: Text. What is that?
Orange: You type in a message and send it to someone?
Mrs. P: Isn’t it quicker to write to them?
Orange: No this goes in seconds, and it even has a spell check to correct your spellings?
Mrs. P: I hope you are not suggesting I can’t spell young man. That would be most rude. Let me try somewhere else.
3 store: Welcome to the 3 store madam.
Mrs. P: Now I’ve said this already, I don’t to buy a number; I am here for a mobile phone.
3 store: Well this one has all the latest features. Bluetooth.
Mrs. P: Bluetooth! You need to brush twice a day.
3 store: Video and camera.
Mrs. P: On this tiny thing. Well I never?
3 store: Games.
Mrs. P: No I don’t have my PE kit today.
3 store: Internet.
Mrs. P: Now I remember when computers were so large they filled an entire room and were run on gas.
3 store: Clock and alarm.
Mrs. P: I do have a watch.
3 store: Twitter.
Mrs. P: Oh dear that young man seems to be making bird noises. He is not very helpful at all. What am I going to do?
Market trader: Mobile phones get your mobile phones ‘ere. Cheapest by far.
Mrs. P: You are my last hope. I want a mobile phone. No games, no internet, no radio, no text, no fruit, no blue teeth, no music, and certainly no twits. I just want to be able to speak on it.
Market trader: Just give me a minute madam; I have the perfect thing around the back. (Disappears- returns). Here we are madam, the answer to all your problems. (Gets out baked bean tins on string)
Mrs. P: Perfect. Hello, hello, can you hear me?