This was my submission to BBC Radio 4 Extra's Newsjack this week. I was fortunate to have tickets. And they didn't use it!! So for my loyal reader, Arthur in Cheltenham, I hope the scarring heals by the weekend.
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Clare Balding: (or at least a
sound-alike) Welcome to Cheltenham for the 12:50 Race: the School Dinner
Stakes. A highly anticipated and controversial race after the hullabaloo of
recent weeks. What are the latest odds? Over to Tarquin Pompous-Overdresser!
Tarquin P-O: Thank you Clare; a woman with a body to die for.
Clare: And
I’m driving the hearse! Get on with it!
Tarquin P-O: A lively filly no doubt! We have Lamb Kofta widely
fancied at eight to one. A lively little number: closely followed by Sausage
Casserole at tens and Turkey Twizzler at twelve to one. A couple of tasty
options there but for those with a fancy for the unknown we have Unspecified
Moulding at a most generous two hundred and fifty to one. Punters with long memories
will recall if they had a shilling or two on Foinavon. Popularly known as
Scragg End in his stables! The hardened hacks however are piling their pennies
on Shepherd’s Pie, best turned out horse in the paddock today with a £100 bonus
for his stable lad, young Oliver James.
Clare: Thanks
Tarquin! The runners and riders are at the tape. Peter O’Toolivan will run down
the start for us.
Peter: (well spoken, slightly strained voice) Yes
Clare, Shepherd’s Pie looking splendid here at the start. Looking quite
imperious. Turkey Twizzler looking a little unsettled there, Lamb Kofta
alongside. The starter Major James Tightly-Belted-Raincoat is there on his
rostrum, the flag is raised and THEY’RE OFF!! Tucked in early on the rails is
Sausage Casserole. Just behind is Turkey Twizzler and one of the outsiders Beef
Lasagne. Beef Lasagne still holding his ground there, Lamb Kofta tucked in
behind as they approach the first fence. And they are all over. No! No! I was
mistaken there. A refusal! A refusal for Greasy Cheeseburger! No surprise there
he’s had few takers this season. The field keeping well tucked together here as
we cross the Melling Road for the first time as I hand over to Michael O’Herliherliherlihy.
Michael: (In
excitable and highly stereotypical, slightly high-pitched Irish accent)
Beef Lasagne taking over at the front there, Shepherd’s Pie still looking
comfortable, keeping out of trouble. Trailing a long way behind is Non-Meat Option,
looking very lonely over there on the far side. Coming up fast on the inside
there is Chilli Meatballs as we approach Becher’s for the first time. Chilli
Meatballs up, over, and stumbles on the other side and Chilli Meatballs all
over the place. Cottage Pie brought down with her there. Stable mate of
Shepherd’s Pie. Very difficult to tell them apart unless you’re a regular punter.
A couple more fallers there too. Lamb Kofta looking very heavy a few lengths
behind the field, dragging and sticking in the heavy ground. It’s over the
Melling Road again and back over to Peter O’Toolivan.
Peter: Non-Meat
Option has been withdrawn and we have four horses still in with a shout of
becoming steaks. Sorry, I meant wining the Stakes. Shepherd’s Pie still looking
very comfortable on the shoulder of Sausage Casserole. Turkey Twizzler and Beef
Lasagne in the centre of the course there running stride for stride as we
approach The Chair. Two loose horses running ahead of the field. Looks like
Glue Pot and Dog’s Breakfast who unseated their riders at Becher’s. Disaster
for Shepherd’s Pie. Dog’s Breakfast has pulled up in front and Shepherd’s Pie
is gone. Sausage Casserole goes with him, its chaos at the Chair! Beef Lasagne
and Turkey Twizzler are gone too and through the mayhem comes Unspecified
Moulding. There are no other horses running. Unspecified Moulding is the only
choice left, the two hundred and fifty to one outside. All he needs to do is to
keep upright over the last and the run in. His trainer had no real hope thinking
he was a little undercooked for this race, but what a story, an incredible
fairytale. It’s Foinavon all over again. The crowd are on their feet. It’s
unspecified Moulding who is going to win the School Dinner Stakes. Just the
last to go. He’s gone! He’s gone! Unspecified Moulding is a faller at the last!
He’s gone down! (SFX Profuse and Violent
Vomiting) No! He’s back up again! Unspecified Moulding is up and all over
the place but still going, staggering now but he’s over the line. The Winner of
the School Dinner Stakes! What a story!
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