Another week, another no show of my scripts on Newsjack. There has been a lot of criticism directed at the programme for not really having unpublished writers; and in fact they admit as much themselves! Not always quality either! Judge for yourselves here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01qyrz9/Newsjack_Series_8_Episode_3/
Well the BBC's loss is my readership's gain I suppose!
Personally I think this is one of the tightest pieces I have done. Enjoy
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AAA Rating Sketch
Justin: The major economic news this week was of
course the downgrading of the UK’s credit rating from the blue chip AAA rating
to the lesser AA1 rating, which probably translates to tea and biscuits in
Cabinet meetings being bought from the essentials range rather than the luxury selection
at Harrod’s. But on a more serious note, how does the UK get back to the top
level of credit rating? Especially with a country like Sweden with a sixth of
our population and natural resources that seem to be based around pine forests
and elk farming holding the top rating. To help me answer these questions I
have with me the economist Professor Anna Svensson of the University of
Uppsala. Professor Svensson, welcome.
Anna: (In well-spoken but ever so slightly
exaggerated Swedish accent) Justin (pause)
Please call me Anna.
Justin: Thank you Anna. Now tell me on such limited
natural resources, how does Sweden sustain one of the best standards of living
in the Western world, and manage to fund full state pensions for all and allow
for a full years maternity and paternity leave for new parents.
Anna: Well.
(pause) Justin. (pause) You mention my country’s natural resources but omitted our
supplies of iron ore, much of which is used to build those big, square cars
which seem to be so enamoured of your middle classes. Our pine forests we use
to supply much of Europe with self-assembly furniture named after Astrid
Lindgren characters. And the elk; (pause)
yes it is used in the food chain. Where do you think those Swedish meatballs
come from?
Justin: Well at least it isn’t horse meat. But
those are all based on sales. What about when the markets contract. You do have
to import most of your fresh fruit and vegetables because of your poor soils
and short growing seasons.
Anna: Ah!
The English education system’s obsession with the Vikings. They didn’t wear
horned helmets as you all think, but did come for food supplies. There may have
been some accidental slaughtering and pillaging, but that was all securely
invested. Can you imagine the compound interest since the eighth century?
Justin: So the strength of the Swedish economy is
based upon the wealth stolen from Anglo-Saxon monasteries.
Anna: No!
(pause) There is much more! (pause) For example, have you seen the
cost of a pint of your English beer in a bar in Stockholm?
Justin: £12! £12! The most expensive Stag party I
have ever attended!
Anna: Also
the many millions of pounds that you spent on Sven-Goran Erikkson taking your
English football team to a succession of quarter finals were invested
immediately into our herring industry.
Justin: But surely one person’s cultural impact
doesn’t secure an entire nation’s economic well-being.
Anna: Think
again Justin! Have you read the Millennium Trilogy!
Justin: I have. Along with twenty million other
people.
Anna: And
no doubt you have heard the rumours of a fourth book on Stieg Larsson’s laptop
which his girlfriend has in a safe.
Justin: I have. (pause) Where is this leading?
Anna: There
are in fact another seventeen volumes in safe storage in the vaults of the
Royal Bank. To be released at six monthly in times of dire economic need. The
Girl Who Licked the Wombat’s Armpit. The Girl Who Played With Her Food. Not the
most inspiring of titles and not his best work I am sure but the franchise
effect will pay dividends. I myself am composing a book entitled Fifty Shades
of Sven, in which a young girl is compelled to construct a Smorgasbord for
every home game played by the national football team.
Justin: And if Mr Larsson’s work has lost its
appeal?
Anna: Justin.
I can imagine your younger self dancing to the music of our greatest cultural
export, Abba!
Justin: I may in my youth have gyrated to Dancing
Queen.
Anna: Like
many people you probably believe that Agnetha Fältskog has been in self-imposed
seclusion for the last thirty years. Whereas in fact she and the Norwegian one
have been recording songs in secret for decades, in case our nation needs to
bail out some lesser economies. (pause) Such as your own.
Justin: I feel you have more to reveal to me.
Anna: Yes!
If the world is on the brink of financial meltdown, we can call upon our brave
dwarves and elves who have been mining under the Skanderna Mountains for two
millennia, and have a supply of gold, rubies, emeralds and diamonds guarded by
a fearsome dragon.
Justin: Now you are just being silly!
Anna: Justin
(pause) that was just our famous
Swedish sense of humour. We do have one other secret weapon though; known and
loved by millions who has been securing our financial stability for nearly
forty years.
Justin: And that would be?
Swedish Chef: Bir-de-bir-de-birr-de-bir-de-birr-bup-bup-bup!
Justin: Professor Anna Svensson; thank you!
